Tag: 0 out of 4

The Nut Job has the honor of being the first animated movie of 2014, which also means it is both the worst and best animated movie of 2014 so far.

Bask in that position while you can, The Nut Job, because your time on top will fall. It will cascade downward into oblivion, becoming worse and worse as the year goes on, until May. At that point, Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return comes out, so it will take the last spot so that you will have some shoulders to climb on. There you will be the second worst until July, in which we see Planes: Fire & Rescue. Whether or not you end up better than the “third worst animated film of the year” is left up to debate. But as of right now, thinks are not looking good.

Seriously, those things on the right look like beavers without the tails?

Surly (Will Arnett) is a purple squirrel, and thank everything he isn’t fucking named Squirrel. I mean, it’s still close to it, but its not Squirrel. Hate lazy family films like that. He lives in the cities park, but he is on his own, with his mouse friend Buddy. He doesn’t believe in collecting food for winter with the rest of the animals. No he wants nuts for himself.

Well, after a freak accident, involving a flying nut cart, the park’s food supply gets burned up in a fire. They blame it on him, despite it not really being his fault either. So the leader of the park, Raccoon (Liam Neeson) wants to avoid a trial and holds a vote for banishment of Surly from the park forever. Also, what in the fuck. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Raccoon named Raccoon? Fuck that.

So Surly has a bad time in the city, but he runs into the holy grail of buildings. A nut shop, with nuts! He could live there forever! But he can’t do it alone. Thankfully, due to the food storage, Raccoon has sent out Andie (Katherine Heigl) and Grayson (Brendan Fraser), the Park Hero, to find more food, and they will help! Also there they bring in a mole, named mother fucking Mole (voiced by mother fucking Jeff Dunham, ugh), and some beaver or something. Definitely bigger rodents.

So yeah, breaking into a nut shop, like a classic bank heist movie. But while this is happening, the “owners” of the nut shop are actually working on robbing the bank across the street by digging under the streets. Mob boss, typical story, everything going nuts. Also, Maya Rudolph voices a dog named Precious.

There is so much wrong with this movie, I don’t know where to begin.

Alright, first, the animation. It isn’t the best quality of CGI in any sense. It has its moments, but mostly it feels like a very strange…video game feel to it? Like they had no heart in the animation and it was something that they had just lying around. I don’t even know how to describe it. It never felt great to me though.

The puns. I like puns. But there are only two groupings of puns here. Referring to things as “nuts!” over and over again. And the Mob Boss talking about how much he hates “rats.” They can be clever, but they both get overused to the point where it doesn’t matter anymore.

The idea of the plot is a good one, but it barely followed any part of the traditional heist movie format. All of the plot is through miscommunication and people being dicks to each other. I am a bit happy to hear Fraser say “Shut the FRONT DOOR” in a PG movie though. That was a bit surprising.

Movie is full of random other bullshit that I noticed. For instance, the bank is across the street from the park. We learn that early on, because that is why the nut cart is there, for surveillance. But also, the nut shop is across the street from the front of the bank too. Some how. What? Fuck you. Makes even less sense when they show the people going on a long journey to stumble upon it, when it should be visible from the park.

More inaccuracies. A dam gets blown up that leads to the city. Explosions, cracked walls, big danger. Doesn’t affect the city at all. The water goes in two directions, one down a lazy river to the park, the other goes down a HUGEEE waterfall where we assume people/animals died. Surly goes down the dangerous waterfall, yet somehow that brings him…back to the park also. Geographically inconsistant.

They have major plot points that are either obvious, or used in terrible unclever ways (re: everything related to the dog whistle).

It was a mess of a movie.

As a side note, people who forgive a movie for being lame might say “Hey, it’s a kids movie, you are being too hard on it!” Kids movie should not be an excuse for poor quality. Pixar proved that a long time ago. Unfortunately, the theater was packed when I saw this. Many families. So many kids. Rarely did any of them laugh. Yeah, a shitty kids movies that kids don’t even enjoy.

Twin Films. Dopplegangers. Mirror Movies.

These are all terms to describe what happens when two movies about the same subject matter come out around the same time. Last year we had White House Down and Olympus Has Fallen, and surprisingly they both had their merits. Usually one of the movies is clearly better than the other, or they both are bad. This year is the battle of Hercules.

The Legend Of Hercules comes out 5-6 months before Hercules which has The Rock attached to it.

Unfortunately, after having now seen The Legend Of Hercules I can say that there is no way that these two movies fit the Mirror Movie formula. No, it fits an even darker and more sinister phenomenon. Whenever a big (usually CGI/Animated/Family) movie hits, there is usually a much lesser, straight to DVD version with a similar name (if not identical), that was rushed out to cash in on people buying the wrong version. I am talking Chop Kick Panda versus the real Kung Fu Panda stuff. You know, movies that the grandparents will accidentally buy.

The Legend Of Hercules feels like it should have been straight to DVD and never mentioned to anyone.

Yes, I would deprive you of those abs.

I know I never compare movies to the books they are based on, and really, what is Greek Mythology but really old books? But in order to understand the plot of this movie, you first need to cleanse your mind of everything you know about Hercules. Every little thing. The only thing about this movie that is like Hercules is the fact that he is a son of Zeus.

In this movie, King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) has just conquered a new kingdom. He is a powerful and strong warrior, but also a huge jerkface. His wife, Queen Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) thought she could change his war like ways with marriage and with a son, but no, every day he wanted more and more power and she feels like she has helped create a monster. So she prays to Hera to help find a solution. Hera’s solution? She is totally going to let Zeus impregnate her, to make a second son, who will one day save the kingdom.

Wow. Thanks gods. Ask for a solution, get one in 20-30 years.

After a very special wind and rain storm, Hercules (Kellan Lutz) is born! However, Amphitryon has his doubts about the son’s origins, and makes sure to make his life a living hell, while also reiterating that his first born son, Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) is his real heir!

Many many (many) years later, Hercules is totally in love with the Princess of Crete, Hebe (Gaia Weiss) and she loves him back! So when Amphitryon declares that Iphicles (These names are the worst) is to wed her in four months to bring their kingdoms together, Hercules gets mad, and then gets sent off to fight a war and basically die. Hercules would rather not die, win the war, and return and take back the woman he loves, while also hurting his step-dad and half brother. Violence solves everything back then.

Also starring Liam McIntyre as some random commander Sotiris dude, and Rade Serbedzija as Chrion. Yes, Chiron is a human and not a centaur.

In this scene, Hercules is filled with bloodrush, and declares war on weather.

As you know already, The Legend Of Hercules has nothing to do with Hercules or his legends. Lutz is most well known as playing a brother of Edward Cullen in Twilight. Although not technically the same genre as Twilight, the two movies are actually similar. They take a story and turn it “darker” while changing everything about it and add in some romance. Basically, what they with Red Riding Hood. Fans of those films are what this movie was made for and no one else.

The CGI was gods awful (that’s a pun, due to the setting) and looks like stuff out of the 1990’s. I have my hunches that the entire movie was done in front of a green screen, even the scenes where the actors were swimming. I bet outside of the 7 tagged actors, everyone else was fake. The bad graphics made it so that I could never really connect to the movie. The film tried very hard to use as much 3D as possible but almost every time it was in a tacky way.

The acting is dreadful, but that is to be expected when your biggest star is Lutz.

The story was hard to follow at times, because every single scene was rushed in order to move the train-wreck forward.

The movie is rated PG-13, so the action scenes aren’t going to be as cool as they could be, making everything seem subdued.

It took the worst elements of 300, Troy, and Immortals (which itself was a bad movie and had Lutz as Poseidon) and crammed it into this CGI suck fest that will never be worth any price of admission.

If anything, the good news that this movie exists is that we already know one of the movies that will top the 2014 Worst Movies list. I hope this doesn’t mean bad things for Pompeii next month.

Walking With Dinosaurs gets the benefit of being the last big animated movie of 2013. It also is one of the worst.

It was made in part by the good folks of BBC Earth, because of the TV show from 1999, Walking With Dinosaurs. It was a state of the art TV show, CGI mixed with real world scenery, and made people like Dinosaurs again.

This. This was a piece of shit.

“She likes my hole!” Actual line of dialogue.

First surprise of the movie, is that there is a live action sequence involved at the beginning and end. Uncle Zack (Karl Urban) is taking his niece (Angourie Rice) and nephew (Charlie Rowe) to an archaeological dig area (as he is an archaeologist) to show them cool stuff! But thew nephew is too COOL for fossils now. What’s the point? Who cares about this dinosaur stuff?

Well, a raven does. Which totally morphs into a bird from 70 million years ago, Alex (John Leguizamo). Apparently that gorgosaurus tooth has a story, and we are going to hear it, damn it.

This is a story about Patchi (Justin Long), the runt of the litter of a group of Pachyrhinosaurus. Yes, his parents named him after the species, they apparently aren’t creative. Even if the dad is the head of the heard, and they name other children better, like the brother, Scowler (Skyler Stone). Huh, they gave him a very villainous name. Interesting.

Well, Patchi gets a hole in his…head flap thing, so he stands out even more for the viewer. Good friends with the bird Alex. They go on migrations, back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth. That seems to be all that is going on for a dinosaur like him. Just moving. And eating. Eventually his brother is in fact a dick, and bad things happen. Parents die. They don’t give too many fucks. But Patchi! Patchi is smart! And he wants to win the affections of a girl, Juniper (Tiya Sircar).

Oh boy, I hope everything works well?

Ah, vomited up food. Better than this movie.

Hey, you might be wondering. What the fuck does any of that have to do with a gorgosaurus tooth? Well yeah. Patchi grows a pair at some point, and head puts the t-rex looking mother fucker, who loses some teeth. We get a long complicated story full of poop jokes and un witty banter, when arguably, if they were actually going to tell a story about the gorgosaurus tooth, they would tell it from his point of view. Not 75 minutes of some other coming of age Patchi story that had nothing to do with gorgorsaurus teeth.

But that isn’t the only issue, no way. Only four of the dinosaur/birds get voices, the four listed. Apparently no one else can talk, as everyone else grunts and nothing else, no conversation at all.

The talking itself did not come from the characters mouths. It was just an awkward voice over, where the characters talked, but their mouths didn’t match or even attempt to math. So it was some sort of telepathic communication I guess.

One of the cool aspects was when the movie literally paused, to give us the name of a new dinosaur, what the name meant, and what it ate. It was interesting. Early on, it did it a lot real quick, like five times. Then it basically stopped and didn’t do it anymore. I have no idea why.

The dialogue was horrid. Everything felt cringeworthy. The story was not at all special. It cared a little bit about scientific accuracy, but not enough to give us feathers on the gorgosaurus.

I need to say gorgosaurus again.

Either way. By far, one of the worst movies of the year, and a complete waste of time.

A movie called Flatline can honestly only go a few different ways. One is a horror route, pretty obvious, some sort of deranged killer.

The only other way is some sort of medical drama. This goes the latter way, thankfully, because medical dramas can really have some powerful stories and usually a great crying scene or two.

Not that I like watching people cry or anything like that.

Get it? Get it? It is a flat line.

Marc (Drew Russell Robinson) really likes his dad, William (Mark Nutter). So after they leave dinner for the dad’s birthday, and they get into a car accident, Marc is very very upset.

So when they get to the hospital (finally) he really can’t believe that his dad has flatlined and died. He gets so upset, that he steals the security guard’s gun (Ryan Hayden) and threatens the doctors on duty (Howard Flaherty, Farah White) to save his dad or else. At first, the description seems like some sort of a reverse John Q, where the son is trying to save the father. But there is one big difference in there.

In John Q, the son is only dying. In Flatline, the dad is already dead.

Yeah, Marc gets really crazy, starts yelling a lot, and threatening to shoot people, and that is most of the movie. I can tell you for sure, the movie does not end in his favor.

But that is also because the end of the movie doesn’t really make much sense. Out of no where, it turns into this very messy and somewhat vague trick, about what was going on the entire time. I think I understood it, but I really really don’t accept it.

None of these names are really big in the acting field, and Drew Russell Robinson is a rookie at movies. He wasn’t terrible, to be fair. Just the overall movie was terrible. The twist, the plot, the flashbacks, and the point.

I derived no entertainment out of this at all. This movie came out in 2010, but it has one of the barest IMDB pages I have ever seen. I could only find one picture from the actual movie, but its quality was too shitty to actually use, so that is why I am stuck with just the heart monitor picture. I could have added another picture in here, to make the review look better, but in all honesty, the film didn’t even deserve that much.

Much waste.

Ah, Paul Walker. A man who died too soon.

Sure, generally, people only know him from The Fast and the Furious films. But he has been in other action things. Like Running Scared! He also had a small role in Pleasantville. But really, not a lot more of extreme note.

So I guess I was excited to see Vehicle 19, because it came out this year and puts him a role that we are used to seeing.

Well, normally the wheel is on the other side, but close enough.

Michael Woods (Paul Walker), is an ex convict, but he is now in Germany! Yay! And he has rented a car. Yay cars! In fact, he has vehicle number 19 from the lot. There you go. Yes, leaving the US is breaking his parole. But he has a reason.

He wants to visit his ex-wife, who he hasn’t seen in five years. Not in a creepy way, but he misses her and wants to surprise her. Okay, still sounds creepy.

Either way, mix up at the terminal, but he gets his vehicle, and while driving, boom, a phone rings. Not his phone. Strange. He checks the glove compartment, and there is a gun! What? He eventually answers the phone, and someone wants to know if the deed has been done. Oh no, some mistake! Turns out the car was meant for an undercover policeman, and they will give him the right vehicle at a meet up. Great. Whatever.

Until he also finds out that there is a living, breathing woman in the trunk (Naima McLean).

Uh oh. She was going to testify against corrupt cops. Looks like we got some sort of shenanigans going on. Whatsa Paul Walker gonna do!?

Apparently turn his casual drive into something more.

Not to change the topic of this review, but Vehicle 19 reminds me of The Transporter. Or at least, it has a guy driving, and discovering a girl in his trunk. At least in The Transporter, he was a skilled person, in this movie, it is just a normal guy. So basically, it is like taking all of the boring parts from The Transporter. Nothing like the high octane thrills of Fast and Furious. Like, no chases really, not a lot of shooting. Mostly drama and decision making talking.

Very, very, quite boring.

That is really all I can say about it. I am glad that it was only 80 minutes or so long, because I was definitely falling asleep by the end.

Definitely a skippable film, with a lackluster ending.

“This sounds like a porno.”

That is what the man at the video rental store told me. I agreed. Didn’t even think of that somehow.

I think this is the fifth film I have reviewed that begins with “Para.”

Strangely enough, I didn’t really love any of the first four either. Science tells me that trend will continue with Paranormal Whacktivity.

Yep, we got another damn spoof here.

This is a spoof on Paranormal Activity. One of many, yes, this is just another one.

But this couple is having problems being intimate. And that is mostly because of the demon haunting the house pleasuring the wife, Kasey (Sasha Formoso) at night. The guy, Michael (William Patrick Riley) is a dumb ass, video taping every thing, wanting to make a movie.

It then spends a lot of time trying to spoof other things. Like Ghostbusters, Avatar and there is a line by line remake of a scene from Superbad, just randomly thrown into the middle. The fuck? None of these are even like, modern horrors. Many of these are years late. Was this made in 2009 and considered fresh but hidden for a few years?

I will spoil this. They trick the demon into falling in love with another chick after a big house party, and he leaves them alone. That is also because our main girl has decided to stay with her husband, awww. How sweet.

They look like they are still joking around, even when they scream.

The demon is of course a midget. Because why not.

This was meant to be a comedy. A sexy comedy. But definitely a comedy. Unfortunately they forgot the laughs. They also made the mistake a lot of movies do. Just because a plot point is about sex (or lack thereof), it does not make it sexy. Having a bunch of random attractive doesn’t make it sexy on its own. Heck, this movie I think barely even earns its R rating. I guess it was given to the movie for like, two topless scenes? But it is a pretty weak R besides that.

Parody movies can be done well, and this is an example of one that was done really really badly.

If I could erase this movie from my mind, I would. I’d watch a movie that isn’t even cleverly titled called Paranormal Parody.

Heck, I’d almost rather watch 30 Nights Of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo than this again. Okay, not that desperate. I don’t think I could even touch that movie without forever becoming jaded and insecure.

Back to Paranormal Whacktivity. Don’t watch it. Shit’s bad. It maybe could have been good. But it is bad. Hell, the woman on the cover isn’t even in the movie. Fuck all of that.

Here is a true story. I was slowly trolling down the aisle at the local video store, when I ran into the movie Crazy Enough. I saw that there was only one copy, despite being a “new release,” saw who was the star, saw the ridiculous of the cover and thought “Hey, I should totally watch that movie. Right away!”

This is how I learned that when I walk near movies, I get controlled by a puppeteer and make awful decisions.

I saw this cover and thought “THAT’S THE ONE!”

Fred Mulberry (Chris Kattan) is a psychiatrist, has a doctorate, and a loving family. He is kind of spazzy though, and his kids might not look up to him.

Either way, he has to head over a few hours to a mental hospital to sign some forms for a new patient to go there. Tough part of the job. Well, as fate would have it, his identical twin brother Teddy, is a resident at that hospital. They were both adopted at birth, one raised to be a scientist, one who unfortunately went a bit insane. Luckily for Teddy, everything works out perfectly for him to steal Fred’s wallet and items while he isn’t looking and make it out of the hospital, making the hospital think it Fred is Teddy and lock him back up instead.

Hooray! Oh what zany adventures they can get in to, a sane man trying to get out of a hospital that assumes he is crazy, and a crazy man trying to act like a dad and raise his family.

Hyuck hyuck hyuck. Susana Gibb plays the wife, Brooke Anna Leedy is another patient at the hospital who claims she doesn’t belong. There might be some fishy stuff afoot here, it turns out!

I can’t believe a movie starring Chris Kattan twice could be considered bad.

I am not going to bore you with more words than are necessary at this point.

I didn’t laugh once. Parts made me more sad, because shit, being improperly imprisoned in a place where people assume you are not all there in the head. That sucks. It could be used for comedic purposes, but it was just done badly. On the other side of the coin, crazy guy in the real world. Some shenanigans, but most of them fall flat too.

There is also mixed messages. While he is trapped inside, he realizes that these people are nice people, and most of them could easily live in society and not be shunned. But the other side of the story, Teddy, yes he is nice guy, but they kind of imply that he really cant function in society and the hospital makes sense for him. Well, minus the cheesy ending where they ignore it all.

Blah. Just blah. Dang it Chris Kattan. Dang it Chris Kattan. That is for both of him in this movie.

Yay, a sequel! I literally don’t know a single movie about step dancing other than these two. The first one, Stomp the Yard, I didn’t know was about stepping until I saw it. It was okay. So of course I was excited for the sequel, Stomp The Yard 2: Homecoming. Sequels to dance movies are always bigger and badder, with sweeter movies and, well, shittier plots usually.

So hopefully, it is sexy. Because if not, I have a whole bunch of other never heard of dance movies to get through to find the secret amazing one..

Holy crap, this guy has a weird face in this picture. How unfortunate.

Hey, this sequel actually takes place at the same place! Truth University. Shit, it even has the same two frats vying for attention, with the good guys being the same frat, and the bad guys being the same frat. How edgy.

Well, DJ from the first film has long graduated. Despite being made a few years later, this actually occurs many years later. The thetas are on another losing streak, and they are the number 2 team, again. How familiar. This time, Chance (Collins Pennie) is their new recruit in training! He doesn’t have as many cool new friends as DJ either, so he is really the only guy that matters. He for sure wants to step too, unlike DJ, despite both originally being street dancers. Oh yeah, Chance isn’t as good as DJ. We see him lose his first battle. He just isn’t that good.

But he will be the hero. Sigh.

Good news about Truth University. They get to host this years national tournament, so they don’t have to travel, I guess. Even better, for the winning team of the tournament, their whole team will receive free scholarships to their university. What? How does a national tournament about step dancing have that sort of dough or like…ability to just do that? I got nothing.

There is some random drama. Chance’s uncle (Keith David) runs a restaurant and wants him to work on Homecoming weekend! Despite the fact that he could win free college. Oh yeah, Chance wants to add more modern hip hop dancing to the step dancing. That sounds similar.

He has a love interest (Tika Sumpter), a frat leader (Pooch Hall), and a frat leader enemy (Stephen Boss).

Oh god, another weird face. Everyone in this movie has a weird face.

So much similar. So much the same. Yet oh so different.

Let’s see, the plot for this movie, although similar, is a lot worse. The whole movie is darker. No, not skin color. No, not evil. Just literally darker, like they added bull shit filters.

The dancing is a lot worse. The ending was more painful to watch than anything, as their final final performances lacked like, any actual stepping. Just a whole bunch of weird ninja and weird shit. What?

Columbus Short from the first film made a cameo, that was cool. What wasn’t cool was everything else. This movie barely had any dancing, let alone stepping in it. Pitiful plot, poor drama, shitty acting for everyone. Even Keith David. Poor Keith David.

So much shit. So much worse than the first movie. So much fucking disappointment.

I am now a man on a mission. I really do want to watch all of these shitty dance movies no one has heard of. The only reason is because Stomp The Yard was a better movie than I gave it credit for.

So I had been judging all of these movies, some of which I have heard and most of them I never knew existed, just because of the genre, dance. They can make a good dance movie. I believe in them. The dancing just has to be amazing, and a plot that isn’t stupid. That’s all we want, people.

Which is why I found a list of dance based movies over the last few years, and the first one on that list is Battlefield America. Wow. That movie sounds super intense. I cannot wait.

Wait. Uhh. Erm..What? Kids?

Sean Lewis (Marques Houston) is a lawyer, and pretty good at his job. In fact, he is going to make partner soon! Unfortunately, he gets into some trouble. He has to do community service. He also thinks he is better than just picking up trash, so he wants a better community service.

Well, the judge has officially changed his mind. He can teach kids how to dance. What? He doesn’t dance himself, either. Apparently they just need a leader. Because they are bad on their own.

So he hires a choreographer, and hangs out with them.

So what kind of dance is this? Ballroom? No. Swing? No. Tango? No.

Street battle hip hop. You might be asking yourself, why in the fuck do 10 year olds need to learn that? Yeah. Exactly. Well, in this alternative universe place, there is some competition called Battlefield America, where it is for kid groups to battle dance each other…

…And it is popular and people watch it? And find it exciting?

…

…

I just. I just don’t know really what to say anymore. Tristen M. Carter and Chandler Kinney play two of the main kids, Mekia Cox works at the community center, and Christopher Jones plays the coach of the best dancing crew over the last three years.

In case you were curious, the main star was of course this kid in Sister, Sister.

The whole time I watched this movie, something felt inherently wrong. It took me awhile to figure out what it is.

For a dance movie, it does show a lot of dancing, just of other crews. At least four times throughout the film, they have these 1 on 1 dance battles, each one featuring the crew that always wins the last three years. They are on the left side of my picture up above, and the underdog crew this film is about on the right. Each of these dance scenes were actually really long, with constant changes from the crowd, back to the dances, to the other dances. It flashed around a lot. It would have been cooler to see it all in one fluid motion, but whatever. The main point is the camera angle for the dance was always placed super low, and aiming up, because these are all kids. It had to be really low.

It felt awkward. It felt uncomfortable. It was a bunch of young kids doing dancing that they shouldn’t be doing yet, pre puberty.

Then I came to the realization. This is a movie for pedophiles. That is literally all I could think about. Seriously. Here is the opening credits scene, about three minutes long. Tell me you can watch it and don’t feel uncomfortable and potentially nauseated.

There is so much of that in this movie, outside of the shitty cliches and similarities to The Mighty Ducks. I am giving it the 0 because of how uncomfortable and awkward it made me feel. I wanted to burn the movie when I took it out of my player, but I didn’t want to have to pay for a new copy at the rental store.

Watching these dance movies is apparently going to take me down a really fucking strange and creepy path, one I don’t know if I am ready for anymore. Just. Just holy fuck, was this movie awkward.

Originally, I planned to release my review of The Canyons alongside my review of Lovelace, but traveling and conferences got in the way.

Seriously. It would have been a double review.

Why them together? Well, Lovelace is a story of a porn star played by a regular actress.

The Canyons is a “regular story” being lead by a porn star.

In one of those films, there is a different type of smoking. Pole smoking. Okay, both films have that.

Christian (James Deen) is a movie producer, living in LA. He has some trust fund money, so he is living large, doing coke, and having wild sex parties. He also funds shitty movies. Sometimes he makes his own. Of course when I say he makes his own, I mean adult based film. Bow chicka, good sirs.

Well, he is currently dating Tara (Lindsay Lohan), someone else who is now related to the film industry, thanks to Christian. He likes her a lot too, more than any other skank he has slept with. He also likes that she likes to swing with him and other couples as part of his strange video film. She likes him too. Just not as much as she likes Ryan (Nolan Gerard Funk).

Tara might have been seeing him for years in secret, and now she was able to get Ryan a job on an upcoming movie Christian is funding. Probably a good idea.

Just kidding, that just makes Christian rage. Like, a lot. He gets jealous, thinking she is cheating (which she is, but so is he). Like really jealous. Like, someone might die jealous. On snap.

Also Amanda Brooks and Tenille Houston are in here. One is a lying ex, the other works on films. Take your guesses!

In situations like this in real life, I’d wonder who is happier: the porn star having sex with an actor/actress, or the actor/actress having sex with a porn star.

In case you missed it, James Deen is the porn star. One of the biggest male ones of the day, he has recently starred in DP My Wife With Me 2, Don’t Tell My Husband 3, Anal Buffet 8, Jack Attack, and James Deen Loves Butts. Yeah, pretty big deal.

Lindsay Lohan, not a porn star, just a crackhead, and she is very naked in this film. Lots of people get naked, and you can see dicks too. Overall, this film is definitely not worth if just to see this woman naked. Just google that shit, weirdo.

This is a film that decides it wants to make it as uninteresting as possible, despite the huge naked sex factor. I had to tag this film as “Erotic Thriller”, which might be a first. The acting isn’t necessarily bad, just non important. There are no real plot twists or turns at all. The only thriller aspect comes near the end, when James Deen does bad things to people, and then we end shortly after.

His character is fucked up, and we got a fucking lame movie. That is all.