Gorgon Reviews

Hugo won the award this year for “Most Nominations at the Oscars”. Fuck you, its a thing. They only won 5 of the 11 though, and all for the unimportant things like Sound Editing and Sound Mixing (This is where the Sound Editor and Sound Mixing people tell me to eat a bag of dicks, and then storm off into the night).

Which is surprising. Usually that movie that has the most nominations seems to be a shoe-in for winning Best Picture. But it didn’t. But why? Here’s what I think.

The people who choose who wins are not children. Just kidding. Its true, but thats not why. CALM DOWN READER.

Story is a weird one to describe (That’s why!) so here is an attempt. Hugo (Asa Butterfield) is an orphan boy who lives in a train station in France. His father was a clock maker, made him love movies and such, then died in a museum fire. He was taken in by his uncle, a lame watch maker, and taught to run to the clocks in the station / main bell tower, and then the uncle disappeared. So now on his own, he has decided to live in the train station in secret, work the clocks, and fend for himself.

There is also an automaton/music box thing that he believes belonged to his dad, so he is trying to repair it by stealing knickknacks and repairing parts. Some people don’t like that, mainly the chief inspector of the railway (Sacha Baron Cohen) who hurt his leg in “the war” and Georges Méliès (Ben Kingsley) a toy shop owner. He also meets a girl who likes books, Isabelle (Chloe Grace Moretz) who is (Gasp!) the granddaughter of the mean toy shop owner. Boo!

I feel like I am giving away too much if I go further, although you still don’t know what it is about. This movie is about…movies, the birth of them. The first movies were all short, but one French dude made all these amazing sci-fi/fantasy epics, for the time. The stories were weak but they were imaginative at least, and had “magic trick” illusions thanks to nice editing. Some were even partially colored, thanks to painting the actual strips.

But most of these movies were lost thanks to the war, needing money and selling the strips for cash. Damn.

Also kind of based on the true story of the film guy, and his actual work is shown in the movie too. Emily Mortimer and Christopher Lee also have some small roles in the film too (small to me).

I’m saying the dog and the mustache were more important overall. In my eyes.

What’s good about this movie? A lot! This is like a fantastical world created from this movie, based off of a book. Which is based off of kind of true events. Minus the boy and stuff. But still. It looks amazing, if not also kind of fake at parts unfortunately. Acting was good, and by the end it felt like a great journey.

I think the problem people might have with it is figuring out what the movie is just about. An hour into it, you still really won’t know. It is hard to explain, because it takes awhile to get to the actual essence of the film. While watching I had to guess where it was going. My guesses were wrong because the clues given didn’t help at all.

So maybe direction could have been a bit better in my mind. And honestly, I felt bad for the Inspector from the first scene. He was supposed to be some mean guy, but never really showed off as that until later.

Oh snap, Beneath The Darkness, that sounds scary right? Seems like something that would fill me with fear, because there might be something else afoot, outside of the normal murder shit going on. Like ghosts? Double fear. Who doesn’t want that?

But there is no double fear. Just normal fear, that of which is not too scary. Damn it!

(And by damn it, I mean woo. I hate being scared).

Unless of course you don’t like the idea of digging your own grave and being buried alive.

Here is the basic premise. Dennis Quaid is a mortician, and thus has a creep factor going on. But when his wife dies (not in movie) he begins to stay at home more and more, yet still a respected member of the community. The actual first scene shows him going on a run and meeting a neighbor. He then takes said neighbor to a graveyard (with his gun), makes him dig up that grave, open the coffin, and hey look, it is empty. He pushes him in, locks the lid, and buries him. Okay, so yeah, Dennis Quaid is the bad guy!

Then we switch the movie to the group of teens and its stays there for awhile. The main character, Tony Oller, believes in ghosts. His sister died like, 10 years earlier, and he thought he saw a ghost over her bed. He also is the gardener for Quaid, so he and the others get the idea to go into his house at night, just to try and find ghosts.

But what they don’t find is ghosts. No, they find out that Quaid might actually be some crazy killer, and he is all like “Ahh!”. He ends up killing one of them, because they “accidentally fall down the stairs” and he is free to go, because hey. Respectable member of the community, and the others were breaking and entering!

Now Tony and his not girlfriend but maybe, Aimee Teegarden, and another friend want to try to prove that he is a murderer, and it wasn’t an accident. But the detective, Brett Cullen, can’t believe that without evidence. So yeah. Rest of the movie is trying to prove it, breaking and entering in more than one occasion, and a lot more funeral/buried alive talk.

Inappropriate picture, or a joke I haven’t made yet?

Obviously the movie doesn’t sound scary at all, just kind of suspenseful. Sure some people might die, like the nerd in the first scene, but not much. Really what it is, is a movie trying to figure out why he is doing the things. They give a reason, it is just bad. More or less, he is crazy. They try to compare it to some literature too, like the Tell-Tale Heart, but that doesn’t work too well either.

I think the only reason I am giving this a passable grade is because of Dennis Quaid. He hammed that role up, and it made it enjoyable, if not silly. Yes, I showed a pig picture, because I wanted to say “Hammed”. So damn hammy. The final scene the fourth wall is even broke, and unnecessarily.

Its an okay teen scary movie, but one that will also be forgettable in a few years.

What the fuck was this shit?

Oh. Its that guy?

Because a sequel 8-9 years later was totally necessary.

There was a moment in my life, probably January of 2009 or so. I found an image on the internet, and laughed for three days. This image isn’t as funny anymore, but it was the first poster / image about Prince of Persia: The Sands Of Time movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal.

Three. Days. Of Laughing.

Seriously, somehow that was the funniest thing I had ever seen. I loved the PoP games for the last generation of consoles, and don’t even hate Jake G. Yet somehow, that image was so unbelievable it just made me giddy. I didn’t hate it, I just couldn’t stop laughing either.

I did go watch it in theaters as soon as I could, but only now finally got to watch it on Blu-Ray.

The movie is based on the games but not any in particular, keeping somewhat with the same mythos. Jake plays said Prince, Dastan, but he isn’t royal blood. He was adopted by the King, and therefore has some cool brothers! Tus (Richard Coyle), the oldest and strongest, and Garsiv (Toby Kebbell), the smart one. That lets Dastan be the sneaky and very dex based one!

According to their uncle (Ben Kingsley) a rival (normally peaceful) nation is producing a lot o weapons, and plans to attack. So they march on over, Tus in charge, to take em down. Hey look, hot princess (Gemma Arterton) is super confused about it all, but arrested. The king gets assassinated by a poisoned cloak (go with it), presented by Dastan so he also gets blamed for the murder!

He quickly flees from the castle, along with the princess and her kick ass dagger. After she tries to kill him and escape he realizes that the holder of the dagger can go back in time! Assuming it has some special sands of time in it. Hells yeah. He also finds out that of COURSE the uncle planned on killing the king. He also faked the info from the spies to get them to take over the city, just to get the dagger and go back in time to rule the kingdom himself!

So they must go back to the kingdom, without you know, dying or being caught, convince his older brother of the time traveling truth / shenanigans, and maybe protect the world. Maybe. But if he goes back in time all the way, can he get the girl?!?

If he can keep her that wet in the dry desert, then probably.

Elements from a bunch of the Prince of Persia games can be found in here, including just running up walls and areas that just feel puzzle-ish. But then of course there is a lot not like it, but hey, it works in this universe. The games all tell different stories, so why not this one. The dagger also pretty much works like the first one did in the movie, just sand is much harder to come across in the movie. Magical sand, asshole.

I was disappointed with the graphics in Blu-Ray, didn’t feel top notch for me, so didn’t think there was that big of a difference. Good effects for what they were going for. How many people watched this didn’t think their way of showing going back in time was cool? I did. And there was appropriate amounts of comic relief too.

But also a lot more death than I would have figured. For a Disney movie, I was worried they’d just knock everyone out, and the bad guy would go to prison. Thankfully they are more true to the rugged life than that, and didn’t feel like it was “for kids” completely.

Wanted is by far one of the movies I have dreaded most to watch. I also have read the book and have no way of doing this in a biased way. Yes, I generally review things and ignore the book. But usually if they have the same name they at least have the same plot. This is not really true with Wanted the movie, way way different than the graphic novel.

After all, neither character looks anything like their comic version.

This movie is about a group of assassins. The comic is about super heroes and super villains. The main character is more or less the same. Some loser working in a corporation. Clearly a tool. This Wesley (James McAvoy) has a gift though. Genetically he can shoot good with a gun (what?). Again this is not really a superpower, because this is supposed to be considered normal. It is rare, just possible in the world. In the graphic novel of course it is easy to accept, because lots of people have powers.

Eventually he finds out about this gun thing, and got it from his dad, an assassin who is dead. Fox (Angelina Jolie, who is definitely not black), brings him to the organization to meet Sloan (Morgan Freeman, who is) and begins training to join the “family business”. The Fraternity which…kills people based on The Loom Of Fate. Which has a secret code which they use to find names of people to kill. Yeah. Not really well explained.

Some missions happen, he gets to go after the guy who killed his dad, other betrayal, lots of dying, long rage shots and curving bullets. Yeahh. Then some breaking of the 4th wall.

Pew pew pew.

Seriously though. This plot has nothing to do with the actual graphic novel and is actually way weirder. Who the hell would say “Lets have a Loom that tells people who to kill! Yess!” What? In the graphic novel, it is a world where the superheroes actually lost and no one believes in super powered people anymore (just tell the stories in comics. Hah). But they have this big organization. Tells of a war between all the different chapters, and search for his father.

This one of course has him go and take down the organization that trained him in a highly predictable pathline. No super powers! No other evil groups. Just…a Loom of fucking fate.

I really can’t get over the loom. I never saw that coming, just knew the one difference between the movie and graphic novel. The acting is dumb, special effects driven movie, and stupid stupid plot.

The 5th Quarter had a weird effect on me. I knew the basic story: guy dies, older brother of guy changes number, and also Wake Forest wins a lot of games, despite not being good on paper.

Alright, so cliche’d sports movie. Right? Wrong. Because this is horribly done.

It also apparently popularized something similar to the Nazi salute.

So yeah, Luke (Stefan Guy) is a high school kid. On the football team. From a pretty tight family. Kisses and acknowledgement of love at every greeting/goodbye. But his ride home is in question, and instead of calling his mom, he accepts a ride from a fellow high schooler. OH THE HUMANITY. Because that guy goes off road, and puts Luke in the hospital. Severe brain damage.

Eventually his brother Jon (Ryan Merriman) gets all mopey, and eventually rejoins the wake forest football team. Changes number to 5. And like I said, Wake Forest wins a lot. They call the 4th Quarter now the 5th Quarter for more inspiration I guess, to give them an end of the game edge. The parents constantly hold their hands up, to represent the five. Andie MacDowell and Aidan Quinn do a good job of staying sad the whole damn movie. Then they lose at the Orange Bowl. But hey, at least they made it?

But is Mr. “I’m Playing For Two!” happy?

So here is what bugged me about the movie. The first 35 minutes. It took awhile for the accident to happen, a while for the hospital stuff to happen, and a long time for pre football to happen. Most of it was in montage form. Video of people being sad with music playing over it. Also a long extra story about the dangers of teenage reckless driving, and organ donation.

Then another montage, of the brother training. Why does he need a trainer? I dont know, because as far as I can tell he was always on the football team. BUt for some reason he needs more training, and thus more images and music.

Then football happens. Most if not all of the scenes of the football games are actual footage. The only thing they did is showed the parents in the audience, doing that hand shit over and over. Also some made scenes to include Jons character talking with others. Eventually everyone does the hand thing.

But do I care? No. The movie makes it hard to care. They seem to be trying to do something just to make you sad, without substance. The amount of times in the movie where very little talking occurs and just a background song going on, I’d need to raise two hands.

They took a familiar story, and pretty much trashed it to try and make it a dedication to Luke instead of an actual good story. The people should be punished for making a poor movie of an actual good story. Captain Hindsight tells me that they should have done a documentary movie instead. I mean, this was in 2006. Can have the actual people talk about the experiences, talking about Luke, and a nice dramatic voice guy going over the game /win highlights.

But nope. Instead some filth. Filth I tell you!

This is a movie I have walked by about a jillion times, with no intention of rushing to watch it. Vanishing on 7th Street just sounds like a dumb title. I also couldn’t tell if it was a horror or a mystery (its the former).

But I did the craziest thing, and read some of the back. It takes place in Detroit, yess! WATCHING THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY.

No horror can terrorize Detroit. They’d either take a punch to the face, or leave because its already terrorized.

Movie begins at the movies. Thats awesome, because this is a movie. John Leguizamo is some sort of maintenance guy, flirting with the ladies. But while he is in the back, (where it is already dark, so he is using his nice head flashlight thing), it gets darker and he hears a lot of screaming. What what?!

When he gets to where there is people, well, there isn’t people. There is a bunch of clothes on the ground, but no bodies. Some more screaming, but that is it. Turns out that whatever is happening takes the bodies when they are without a light source, in the darkness. Main power generators were all taken out, but anyone who had a lighter or flashlight or something at the time wasn’t taken.

Until their light goes out. Thankfully day still happens, but it is getting shorter and shorter. What ends up happening is his character, Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton, and Jacob Latimore all end up meeting at a bar that has a generator and is making it a safe haven.

The rest of the movie is them trying to figure out how to escape the city, not sure if there is others out there, or if it is just affecting Detroit area. Mostly thing this because of the Lost Colony on Roanoke, and also claiming that the phrase “CROATAN” is mysterious, and not a very well known Indian tribe also in the area of Roanoke colony.

Oh noes! Look out for the darkness, John!

But the movie also feels like a huge let down. I feel like it didn’t tell a complete story. No you will not find out about the darkness. No, you won’t get any closer to what the hell is happening there. And you also really won’t get any [real] hope for the survivors. They tried to give hope, but that hope seems like bullshit.

And really, the comparison to that situation and the Lost Colony was stupid as shit. Colonists were told to leave where they were going carved in wood, and they did, “CROATAN” a neighboring island tribe. They may have been killed there or whatever. But for the character to say no one knows why they did that, or what it means it just dumb. And a horrible “possible movie plot point” to make.

I thought the movie was horribly slow, for no real payoff.

Hooray, CGI movies about cats and swords!

As you probably already know, Puss In Boots is a prequel to the Shrek tales, but has nothing to do with Shrek. Just…Puss In Boots and how he got those boots.

And you know, uhh…Other tales.

Antonio Banderas reprises his role as the sword swinging feline. He is wanted for petty crimes, but bitches can’t catch him. He wants to steal a big prize, but not from old people or children or anything. That is when they let him know about…the magic beans.

Jack and Jill (Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Sedaris) have found the beans and plan to plant them. Why? Because beanstalks, that’s fucking why! They want to go to the land of the giants, who are long dead, and get some of that golden goose/egg stuff.

But when he is about to steal them…another cat! Who I want to call Batcat but is apparently Kitty Softpaws (Salma Hayek). They have to fight over getting to the beans and both fail. Lots of fighting / dancing later, we also get to find Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis) an old character from [I don’t know how to grammatically say this right, and it feels awkward] Pusses past. He wont have any of it and storm off.

But eventually forgiveness happen, and the three set off to get the magic beans, go up the beanstalk, and become rich and help the poor!

This also tells the tale of creatures addicted to ‘Leche’

There are some other fairy tale things in here, but I don’t want to give them away. Overall, I could say it was a very decent movie. But I had some problems with it.

Flashbacks. Part of that word is flash, making me think at least it shouldn’t be a long thing. Well the flashbacks in the movie were incredibly long. We hear the whole story of his birth, meeting Humpty, becoming friends, and eventually not being friends. All in one ridiculously long flashback. Bah. It is already a prequel. Might as well tell that shit in a better order. Because that long portion was boring as crap.

I also felt a bit disappointed by the main story. I think they could have done something more epic than the search for magic beans / golden geese. Maybe the large desert portions also took away a bit from the nice CGI that went into the movie. When you have excellent CGI, you don’t want it to be a sexy desert.

Overall I thought it was decent, but man. A rollercoaster in terms of interesting plots.

The Mighty Macs is a sports movie! This time set in the 70s, and this time I will explain most of the plot before the first picture. Carla Gugino plays a woman who is finally getting to coach college basketball, at a Catholic school, for next to nothing. Very little supplies or support, and a ragtag group of girls. Her husband, David Boreanaz, or that guy from Angel/Bones who is also NOT Nick Lachey, is also an NBA ref or something.

Eventually she gets an assistant coach, a real nun, played by, Marley Shelton, and they come together unexpectedly to kick ass at basketball and win multiple titles.

This could be a horror movie picture.

I think this whole movie HAS to be a joke. Honestly. First, the main two female leads, the coach and the nun. I am looking at their past movies and it just doesn’t fit from the religious stand point. Marley Shelton was in Scream 4 as random cop hottie, and in the Grindhouse movies. Carla Gugino was the main character in something called Elektra Luxx, an R rated movie about a Prostitute who becomes pregnant…and it also has Marley Shelton in it!

Outside of the glaringly mis-casted main stars, this film has applied every sports cliche it could think of. To be fair, it is set in the 70s, so maybe sports movie cliches are just based off of their season, and they now finally get a movie?

We have an outcast girl, who helps save the day. We have girl who goes through big tragedy, almost leaves, but stays and kicks ass (normally a death, this was just boyfriend breaking up with her). The Coach is doing it all for practically nothing and no support on supplies, or from her family. There is no support, because of course the school is going to close THAT YEAR unless something good happens.

The team doesn’t do good until they work together without the coaches help. The final rival defeats the team soundly earlier in the movie, but they get to meet again at the end. The rival team also has a personal connection to the coach. They are losing to the rival team until a nice halftime speech. Really, I could go on.

“Yay teamwork and friendship!

What bugged me is their outfits. They made a big deal about how “lame” their uniforms were, and they do look silly. Nothing like a normal basketball outfit. Yet in the credits it shows footage of their championship wins…and the outfits look normal.

I just don’t get why that would be exaggerated for the movie, if it was a lie. What the hell are you guys trying to pull?

From the start I think Tower Heist got a lot of bad publicity. Why initially? Because it planned on releasing itself for download only a month after going to theaters, before coming out on DVDs. Apparently a lot of theaters were mad about that, and were refusing to show it. So of course it backed down.

But then after that, people are generally “Ben Stiller? Gross, next.”

That is the face Ben Stiller makes every time someone walks away and calls him gross.

I think the trailer did a bad job of explaining the overall plot. So here we go. The Tower is actually some large sky scrapper building in NYC, that is basically just apartments. Large staff, super secure, and they don’t accept tips.

Ben Stiller is the overall manager, runs the day to day, keeps his staff in tip top shape and helps all of the top clients. Casey Affleck is his second in command. Matthew Broderick is a formerly rich guy getting evicted and divorced, Michael Pena plays an elevator operator, and Gabourey Sidibe is a Jamaican maid.

And they all get fucked over. The penthouse belongs to rich wall street investor Alan Alda. And he has just been arrested for stealing investments, and getting people trapped in Ponzi schemes. And he also handled everyone who works in the Tower’s pensions!

Stiller gets mad. And he takes it out on Alda’s apartment (as he is now stuck there for temporary house arrest), getting himself and other fired. He then takes the drunk advice of a special agent on the case, Tea Leoni, and decides that the old school method of pitchforks and mobs to storm the castle were appropriate. But instead of storming, they should rob him.

The amount of money he should own versus what they found didn’t match up, so it is likely that Alda is hiding a batch in his apartment, in a safe in a secret wall. Can his team get the maybe 20 million dollars in the safe, escape without jail time, and divide it up amongst the workers to get their money back? Not without a criminal. Thankfully Stiller “knows” a guy, Eddie Murphy, who steals shit!

Potted plants, cash, and scenes, mostly.

Seriously. Eddie Murphy is hilarious in this movie. This is best classified as an action/comedy, despite the action not being that much, and the comedy not being…that much. Oddly enough. There was only a few times I really had a good laugh, some of Eddie Murphy’s scenes, the thing about lesbians, and a few others. But I could just classify it as a “movie” and maybe that genre is specific enough.

But I really enjoyed it as a whole. When I saw the preview, I assumed it wasn’t an apartment, but just some big corporation in NYC. I assumed they were people who had lost their jobs due to budget cuts, and I assumed Stiller used to be a big fat cat, but got screwed over. But they really do a good job of making you feel for and root for them. There are many other workers at the building who aren’t part of the thievery, but they show enough of why their lives were affected by it.

Some jokes and situations, sure predictable. But not all of them, nor the ending really. I was surprised that I liked it that much.