A lot of these had the potential to go the shitty distance, but they weren’t picked overall. That includes The Greatest Inheritance, Minions: The Rise of Gru, Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank, Breath, Titanic 666, Deep Water, Blacklight, and The 355.
Also I decided this time to not include some documentaries, which a few of them could have battled for the number one spot. Shame on these stories meant to be derisive and full of lies: The Real Anthony Fauci, What is a Woman?, and 2000 Mules.
Why is it on the list? Not often do you have a remake of a mildly popular film from over 20 years prior. But in Snow Day, we are given a remake, while also turning it into a bad musical. I will go out and say I don’t remember a lot about the first Snow Day, I don’t think I even saw the whole thing. Nickelodeon hyped it as their own movie. Oh well. But this one has to be worse. It is a musical, but all of the songs are just sort of generic poppy sound and don’t feel like they belong in the world. They don’t move the plot forward. And of the three plotlines we have, only one of them is remotely interesting. And yes, it is about terrorizing the snow plow driver. The other two are creepy and terrible.
Worst moment? I wish I could remember any song, so let’s just pick the first one.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Musical of 2022!
Why is it on the list? Stephen King adaptations are almost always hit or miss, and this one is a huge, huge miss. I don’t know how close it is to the book, to the previous film version, none of that matters. Because at least this version is bad. I started playing Tony Hawk Pro Skateboarder halfway through this movie, no longer able to give it my attention, and now whenever I go to play the game anymore, I think of this film. It is affecting my nostalgia, and that shouldn’t happen when its a movie from the current year. Bad effects, bad story, and something that should just be set aflame from its namesake.
Worst moment? Liar, liar, pants on fire
Any Worst Awards? Worst Remake of 2022!
Why is it on the list? There are quite a few reasons to not like this movie from my point of view. The first film I thought was okay, but I haven’t liked a single sequel after it. They went to great lengths to make the first one accruate-ish for science reasons and timing. Close enough, and then threw it all away. This one takes the characters you know and maybe love, and says no you get some other people. Do you want to see some opossums fawn over a legendary character, and find him? And then mostly still not give you that character? Not me, not on my watch. It doesn’t help that the studio that made this series was dissolved after being bought, and this was going to be a TV show, that I guess wasn’t good enough. So they scrapped the episodes to piece together this horribly pointless film. As long as you can get some money out if, I guess?
Worst moment? I’m sorry. I don’t remember a single scene in this movie.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Scrapped-TV-Show-Turned-Film-From-A-Dead-Studio of 2022!
Why is it on the list? Franchises that last 7 movies are usually remembered fondly. I think most people you ask about Bring It On will tell you they only saw the first one, maybe a random sequel. Almost all of them were straight to video, and all of them were lesser quality. It is sad, they could have done great things. So if a franchise does a direct turn, and tries a new genre? It is worth noting and checking out. Thus we have this sequel that gives us a horror film! But is it good? Nope. The deaths are poor, the acting is worse, there is barely any cheerleading in it. Hell, the ending reveals don’t really make a lot of sense. Why was this one especially bad? Because it was made for Syfy. Which has decided to intentionally make shitty films for some reason. I won’t get into that now.
Worst moment? The killer reveal.
Any Worst Awards? Worst sports film of 2022! (Worst seventh film of a franchise in 2022!)
Why is it on the list? Ugh. See. I understand why this movie was made. I do. I understand the point Rob Zombie made with it, and casting his wife in it. I get it. Honestly. I understand the campiness of the original show and trying to match that silliness. And yet somehow, none of that matters, because what was given to us was just a trainwreck from start to finish. I wish I could have laughed. I wish I could have cried. I wish I could have cared. But trying to match a tone, and yet still somehow missing the charm the entire time is just insulting to both us the viewers and the original source material.
Worst moment? Where the fuck are the other characters in this reboot?
Any Worst Awards? Worsts Television-Show-Turned-Reboot of 2022!
Why is it on the list? This is a movie that looks like it wants to be telling a true story. It isn’t. It is just a random animal story to be cute with baby animals that grow up into still cute adult animals. This is one that should probably be rated G due to how little conflict exists. Sure, she wants to keep the animals, and various groups want to take them away. At least one of the groups makes a good amount of sense to take them away. The circus one sucks, sure, boo the circus. But it felt anti-science with its narrative as well. I guess she really needed to have her cool island and wildcats to be able to play her instrument again. Sure. Okay.
Worst moment? The convoluted setup to get our character a wolf and a lion.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Convoluted Plot Set Up of 2022!
Why is it on the list? Suggested to me purely for being terrible, The Cellar did not disappoint. With arguably only one good scene in the film, the initial disappearance of the daughter, it was filmed to the brim before and after it with just absolutely dreadful horror shit. Nothing felt scary. It felt too silly early on to create the circumstances of her disappearance. The parents didn’t feel believable. And the film just kept digging a hole deeper and deeper up its own ass with its conspiracies and ancient histories and math cults. I almost died watching this film in terms of second hand embarrassment. And I watched it alone.
Worst moment? Anytime math cults were brought up. It made me groan.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Counting of 2022!
Why is it on the list? This is a more well known item on this list, one that came out at some point and apparently everyone decided to watch it! I don’t know personally if anyone in particular liked this movie. If they did, it was because Chris Hemsworth had a fun look to him I bet. Miles Teller is also being pushed to us more and more as someone we should care about for whatever reason. I liked him a decade ago. As for this film, it was a movie that was already pretty bad throughout it, but got seemingly worse at the ending. I was shocked. It was laughably bad and what was meant to be pretty serious twists, and chases, and people yelling. I wrote before that this would have worked really great as a short film. This one had too much plot that felt like filler.
Worst moment? Everything in the final act.
Any Worst Awards? Worst “Twist Ending” of 2022!
Why is it on the list? I generally hate it when my opinions align with people I dislike, but that is bound to happen now and again. For example, the movie 1Up. A poorly budgeted film about college esports competition. The fact that it is about diversity and inclusiveness is not the problem. The problem is the movie itself is just regular amounts of bad. A woman is treated badly by a sexist captain of their college e-sports team, so she quits and makes her own gender specific team. And eventually they have to compete (spoilers) against the original team, and winner take all, including existence at their college! The insults are corny, the plot is a groan, the conflicts between characters is just so fake feeling. It feels like a movie to appeal a Buzzfeed quiz crowd, which makes sense, because it was made by Buzzfeed.
Worst moment? Trying to take Ruby Rose‘s character seriously as a gamer professor.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Sports Movie of 2022!
Why is it on the list? I assume people would expect this, but maybe just not this high up. Morbius is a movie I got to see early, and sang its terribleness from before day one. I sometimes sleep in a theater, but rarely is it at a 1pm showing in the middle of a great day (normally it would be at night!). Morbius has almost nothing working for it. It was a bad movie, where the scene in the credits made it worse. The confusion around what occurred at the end of Spider-man: No Way Home still seeps through these movies, because the crossovers aren’t making sense. My full review goes into a lot more details, but honestly, Morbius is so bad, the memes to mock it for being bad are also bad.
Worst moment? Thanks for meeting me, Doc. I’ve been reading about you. I don’t know how I got here … something to do with Spider-Man. I’m thinking of putting a team together. Do some good.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Superhero Film of 2022!
Why is it on the list? I flash back to myself as a kid at 4 or 5 years old. I don’t think Jurassic Park is the first film I saw in theaters, but I know it is the first film I can still remember seeing at theaters. This franchise has not affected my life path at all, and I wouldn’t say any other Jurassic film is necessarily good. The entire Jurassic World trilogy is rather stinky and basic. But this one feels insultingly bad. Bringing in all of the fan service they can from the original film, instead of just smaller bits and parts like the previous movies. It seemed like a no brainer, a slam dunk even! However, it also made the mistake of needing to follow the plot of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which had its own terrible plot lines and releasing dinosaurs into the world. Did the fact that dinosaurs were now able to roam the world matter? Not at all. Instead we got a long film of bad decisions and forgettable scenes.
Worst moment? The main plot points (clone daughter, programming locusts) don’t really excite in a dinosaur movie.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Fantasy, Worst Trilogy Ending, and Worst Adventure Film of 2022! (Worst sixth film of a franchise in 2022!)
Why is it on the list? When I went to watch this movie, I didn’t even know it was some “modern version” of a bible story. It is inspired by the book of Hosea, or whatever that means. This is about a bachelor farmer, doing good at his job, praying for a woman when he goes to town, and sees the local top prostitute and takes it as his sign. He swears to save her from her life of sin, and make a real honest woman out of her, and pays a lot of money just to talk to her in her “sin den” as he may have called it at some point, I don’t remember. The entire thing felt creepy. He was slut shaming her, and deciding he needed to make her his wife, not based off of her personality or intelligence, but purely based on her looks. Strange idea of a charming romance character.
Worst moment? When he buys her freedom after she gets beat up.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Slut Shaming, Worst Bible Retelling, and Worst Romance of 2022!
Why is it on the list? Speaking of people getting beat up we have Blonde. Disguising itself as a biographical film about Marilyn Monroe, it is instead a film based on the book, Blonde: A Novel, by Joyce Carol Oates. That book is in the genre “biographical fiction” which is apparently, “a type of historical fiction that takes a historical individual and recreates elements of his or her life, while telling a fictional narrative,”. Oh, so, taking a person and some moments of their life that are famous and just sort of making it up. Inherently, I don’t hate that for a film, although I would rather it be obvious that is what is occurring. However, in this movie it just feels downright creepy. This movie, and this story, about a woman who became famous and was exploited throughout her life and just…exploits her further. Decades after she died. Making up stories that are extra worse in her life, adding more abuse and ridiculousness to it. It feels like it is done in the poorest of taste.
I am not inherently against biographical fiction. For example, one of my favorite movies, Steve Jobs, is clearly in that same genre. The conversations that take place in those press release conferences didn’t happen, but at at least indictive of real arguments and controversies that happened, and it didn’t go out of the way to give Jobs excessive praise or scorn either. It gave a realistic portrayal of the man, without stomping on him at the same time. However, in Blonde it feels like that was the main attempt. To just fuck up Monroe’s life even further for the viewer to just have to gasp, cry, and shake their head in sadness.
Worst moment? The opening forest fire scene should have told me to just turn it off, but alas.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Biographical Fiction, Worst NC-17 Big Release Film, and Worst Drama of 2022!
Why is it on the list? Look, I am not an expert on this franchise. I have only seen two of these films, the other being Texas Chainsaw 3D. And miraculously, this 2022 iteration is still somehow the worst version I have ever seen. It is meant to be another modern sequel to an original that ignores other versions, because that is fun, and also, have almost identical titles. This one was questionable early on, as it seems our main characters were people who wanted to revitalize a dead town, buying up property and putting money into it. Is that bad? I don’t know. But in this film it is the worse that they would do that, and also, eventually, we get Leatherface showing up ready to kill zoomers and millennials who are just terrible I guess.
I need this to be clear. At some point, a party bus arrives in the town, with influencers, people having a good time, and he pops on the back of the bus. Spoilers I guess, but sure enough, he kills the whole bus, because these people are so pathetic and young and on their phones that they can’t do anything at all to help themselves. It was the biggest goddamn boomer fantasy in a movie I have seen in so long. People who were around when the first film came out probably would love this scene.
Worst moment? The bus scene. I cannot and will not stop talking about how bad it is.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Horror Movie, Worst Party Bus (see another), and Worst Movie for Boomers of 2022! (Worst ninth film of a franchise in 2022!)
Why is it on the list? Pauly Shore doesn’t act much more. And he honestly hasn’t really done it in the last 20 years, mostly playing himself in films. Then Guest House happened, which also made a worst of the year list, and he decided acting is fun again. So why not voice work? Why not? Well, honestly sure, why not, I can see him doing fun animated characters. But apparently one of the worst animated flicks of the decade was his time to breakout into the medium, and it helped create a perfect storm of ghastly material. You see, because here he is voicing Pinocchio, which is a very well known character and story, and at no point would anyone see the story and think Shore’s voice is the best fit.
Did they know we would be in the middle of bunch of Pinocchio films when this one came out? No idea, but it does hurt it further. Did Shore know that this Euro based production company would be using CGI that looks like it came from early 2000’s Nick Jr. shows? No idea. Does the fact that this story has almost nothing in common with any Pinocchio story, and feel like a last second addition? Yes, yes it does. Complete with a talking horse.
I am inherently fine with movies to be different than the source material. I try to go out of my way to avoid books to not know about the source material more. But its harder with more and more iconic stories. And so if you are going to go far away from the source, you should have great reasons to. This story is just so incredibly generic and bland that it does nothing for the Pinocchio game, nor animation, nor fiction in general. It is low effort from everyone involved, and a pain to sit through. I generally start with a disdain for stories that label themselves as a “True story” version of the events of well known stories as a crutch to tell it in a new way. Couple that with all of the other issues, and this one had no chance. Movie is so bad, most of it you can’t even tell he is supposed to be a wooden boy.
Worst moment? Just pick one from the trailer. Which immediately goes out of its way to tell a pop culture reference.
Any Worst Awards? Worst Film, Worst Voice Acting, Worst Animated Film, and despite Disney’s best attempts, the Worst Pinocchio Film of 2022!
Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site!
And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.