Tag: Paul Giamatti

Hooray, review 800! Are you excited? Well, too bad. Because I am excited. Like normal, you can check out the rest of my Milestone reviews by clicking that link that I just provided.

Because Twilight is over, I have decided to go the “Movie So Awesome, it must be talked about in more than 500 words,” and this one was suggested by a reader.

Shoot ‘Em Up. Have you heard of it? You should have. It came out in 2007 and basically attempted to make one of the most over the top, most ridiculous, gun shooting based movie. More ridiculous than Smokin’ Aces even. Although this movie doesn’t feature a dead Ben Affleck. I also am going to give a lot of spoilers for this movie, but really, I doubt words and straight pictures will ruin the experience for you.

Let’s talk about Smith (Clive Owen). He really likes carrots.

If you don’t eat your vegetables kiddy. Or we might have to force you.

The movie begins with Smith sitting on a bench. A very pregnant woman (Ramona Pringle) runs by, panting heavily, and scared, and it becomes obvious she is being chased by a hitman off to kill her. That doesn’t seem fucking nice at all. So Smith kills him with that carrot. Fuckin’ A.

This freaks out the woman, who goes into labor. Too bad a SMALL ARMY OF PEOPLE attack the shit out of him. So he has to play doctor, easing her through the pregnancy, while shooting the bad guys. This is literally five minutes into the film.

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Seriously, eat the carrot. It will help your vision, and help you shoot people.

Well fuck, while breastfeeding, the mom gets shot in the head. By fucking Paul Giamatti, who really wants that baby dead. He even has a special pistol that requires a thumb print to fire, so do all of his men. That doesn’t help Smith, when he wants to use it. Unless he cuts off someone hand that is.

Oh yeah, this whole time he has a baby in his hands too, just trying to survive. Because they want the baby dead!

Babies are important. Why in this movie? We are not sure. Maybe he will grow up to be president?

Why is a gun better than a wife? Because you can put a silencer on a gun. Hyuck hyuck hyuck hyuck. Paul Giamatti is hilarious.

Either way, eventually Smith doesn’t give a shit anymore. He wants to get rid of the baby, deciding to just leave him in a park on one of those playground merry go round things. Well, they try to snipe the baby. Fuck. So he does what he has do, and SHOOTS THE FUCKING PLAYGROUND ROUNDABOUT THING to make it spin, so the baby can’t be sniped. What! What! What!

Yeah, fine, let’s get the baby, and let’s find a way to feed it. He needs milk.

“Fuck you, ya fucking fuckers”. Actual line during this scene.

To the brothel! Why? Because they have fetish stuff going on. Including a lactating whore. Donna Quintano (Monica Bellucci). Great, now the baby can survive later. I guess. In fact, she turns out to be double useful, hooking on the street to get some money to get the baby a bulletproof vest. Because why the fuck not.

Babies need protecting. Spoilers, they end up having sex later. Guess what? People attack them during it, but is Smith going to stop the sex? Hell no. He is going to finish, and shoot some bitches.

That was a double joke there. Talk about shooting your load.

They also go back to his normal hideout. Oh yeah, I am totally telling this out of order. Not even mad yo.

Well, it turns out they try to kill him there too. So he hides the baby and woman in the dumbwaiter. More deaths happen, but even more so, his entire staircase is full of people ready to take him out and he needs to get downstairs. How do you take them out? Dominoes? Nope. Too simple. You need a rope from the ceiling to the ground, you need to slide down that rope, and AK shoot everyone in a killer fucking spiral of doom.

That’s what you need to do.

This is like The Boondock Saints scene, but 23x greater.

They eventually find out the baby was part of some sort of genetic testing. Not a super soldier. But at least one man is supplying all the sperm. Kinky.

This is all wrapped up in a conspiracy of course. Maybe an anti-gun senator? Maybe going against Hammersmith (Stephen McHattie), a gun supplier? Either way, it will lead to a shootout in a gun factory. WHICH MEANS A SHIT TON OF GUNS FOR EVERYONE TO SHOOT. YEAHHHH.

But it would be too simple to just shoot all the guns. No, he needs to set gun booby traps, all attached by strings, letting him just take out everyone. DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE? NO? Well it shouldn’t. Because SHOOTING YEAH!

Not a relevant picture to this part of the plot.

I am running out of time. Here is a list of more ridiculous shit that happens in this movie.

A gun is used as an engagement ring.
Everything can be used as a weapon.
Babies are fucking doable.
A plane ride and an assassination.
A SKYDIVING SHOOTOUT.
And lets not forget shooting bullets out of your fingers by sticking your hand in flames.

Fucking fuck.

MORE CARROT BASED DEATHS. There are at least five.

Like I said above. Shoot ‘Em Up is one of the wildest movies I have ever seen. The action is always there, the one-liners are very one-liney, and the deaths start over the top and only escalate. There are no real normal deaths in this film, everything is ridiculous.

I don’t even have anything else to say. I described some stuff, you should see this thrill ride. It is more ridiculous than a video game.

John Dies At The End?

Shit. This is either some existentialist or Buddhist metaphor, or this movie is putting spoilers in the title!

Or maybe it is trolling me. What if John survives at the end, and I am all like “Oh shit, I didn’t see that coming!” and talk wildly about the twist ending. Kind of like when Kenny stopped dying every episode in South Park. Even stranger, I found out this movie was adapted from a book written by a senior editor at Cracked.com.

Ohhhh mannnn. I love cracked! Hell, I used to base my picture subtitles off of their website with hilarious jokes. Unfortunately now, I fill it mostly with all caps and nonsensical expletives, and sometimes just boringly describe the picture (like dry humor) that doesn’t translate well over the internet, and never really make people laugh at all.

HOLY FUCK THIS MAY BE THE CREEPIEST KITTEN DAMN THING I’VE SEEN.

Strange things are afoot in the world. Magic, demons, alternative dimensions, drugs, you name it. But really, maybe things are only strange for a certain select group of people, and the rest get to live their lives ignoring it.

David Wong (Chase Williamson) and his friend John (Rob Mayes) seem to have some sort of handle on the situation. After all, they have defeated demons, and gotten their friends out of trouble, and have seen some terribly messed up shit. But how did it all go down?

Arnie Blondestone (Paul Giamatti) is a reporter interested in this story David has to tell, so the way we see the events in the movie are based off of the descriptions of David, and interceded with conversations between him and the reporter.

Maybe it all began with some drugs? Not normal drugs. Drugs that messed with their perception of time and reality. Knowing what would come in the future, where things came from before, what happened to others, other hard to explain parallel timeline stuff. They even have some ties with Dr. Albert Marconi (Clancy Brown), a guy famous for the paranormal.

I don’t know why I am trying to explain the plot. It is very close to impossible. It also features Glynn Turman and Fabianne Therese.

Oh hey look, its Paul Giamatti smiling. He must be up to something sexy.

I feel like an asshole. I really do. What we have here, with John Dies At The End is one of the most bizarre, crazy, fucked up movies I have ever seen. It is a thrill ride, and there is really no way to predict anything that might happen during it. It will potentially confuse you, and not bother to explain things, just to make sure you are there for the experience and not hard hitting truths.

Yet, despite that, I just couldn’t get in to it.

Maybe because I was rushed when I was watching it, but to me, despite the great things you can say about it, I just didn’t love it in any measurable way.

And it really sucks to feel this way, because I really wanted to like the movie, on the name alone. I didn’t over hype it, I was just generally curious. The film is definitely not for everyone, and might be a bit better if you are also experiencing side effects, but for me, I just couldn’t jump on the fun wagon.

Ah, another movie that I watch knowing nothing about. Who doesn’t love these?

But I will figure it out from the title. Cosmopolis. Uhh. City life. And Fashion. Yeah, lets’s say that.

Or a space odyssey. Yeah, I got nothing.

Featuring a kick ass limo. For 75% of the movie!

Eric Packer (Robert Pattinson) is a big CEO billionaire in NYC. Yes, he is young too. Get at him girls.

But today, he wants a haircut. Only one place will do. Problem is there is bad traffic, and he is stuck inside his limo most of the way. Weird shit going on, protests, riots, whatever. So a lot of the movie takes place inside his limo, as he has meetings, sex, and appears elsewhere without notice.

I could describe it all and tag all the people, but frankly, it is confusing and hard to remember. I was lost, and I hated myself for watching it. Sounds intense, but it is true.

The last 20 minutes, however, features Paul Giamatti. Did you know someone was trying to assassinate Eric as well? Shit. That sucks. But who does Paul play and why would he want to kill a harmless billionaire?

Look at Robert. LOOK AT HIM. So fancy.

Cosmopolis is about 100 minutes, and that leaves about 70-80 minutes of confusing material.

I had to rewatch the ending before giving this review, because the conversation between the two is quite long and deep, and I wanted to make sure I got it all in. The conversation itself was a great one, but I wouldn’t say it excuses the first 4/5 of the movie for being confusing and strange.

If you watch it, and can understand it all, let me know. Again, the ending I thought was very deep and almost even well acted (thanks to Paul G). Robert Pattinson wan’t actually bad, just his character was emotionally distant so it was hard to like or care about.

Maybe the book makes more sense?

Rock Of Ages is probably going to be another biased review. I’ve had the soundtrack for the musical for probably a couple years now. Wanted to see it since I first heard about it and love the soundtrack. Lots of mixes between songs, and interesting ways to do them. So when I heard about the movie version, I knew I had to see it as well.

So finally, months later, I got a chance to, hooray! Time to rawwwk!

I said rawk, damn it. Not stand their and look solemn.

This story is mainly about a small town girl and a city boy. Drew Boley (Diego Boneta) is working as a bar aid at the famous The Bourbon, a concert hall / bar in LA. A city some may say was built on rock and roll. Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) had just arrived from Oklahoma and looking to be a famous singer! She of course gets mugged right away, and Drew kind of saves her. But not really. They immediately hit it off, and Drew gets her a job as a waitress at the Bourbon, despite the owner, Dennis Dupree’s (Alec Baldwin), negative reaction to it. But thankfully Lonny (Russel Brand), the second in command and MC seems pretty cool with it all.

A new mayor is getting elected in LA, Mike Whitmore (Bryan Cranston) who’s wife, Patricia (Catherine Zeta-Jones) is going to help clean up the streets. Using good christian values, and the best way to do that is to get rid of rock and roll! The center of it all, The Bourbon. Who also happen to be having tax problems.

But no worries, Arsenal, the kickest ass band ever, who played their first gig at The Bourbon is coming the next night to play their final gig, before frontman Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) starts his solo career. Big money time! And Drew is going to get to open for them! Oh man! Everything is going wonderful!

Until it doesn’t. Sexy stuff happens, miss-communications, Stacee is a crazy ass person, and love dies. The dream dies. The Christians win? With Malin Akerman as Rolling Stones reporter trying to find the real Stacee Jaxx, Mary J. Blige as a strip club owner, Paul Giamatti as scumbag manager, and Will Forte as local news reporter, will they eventually be able to save The Bourbon from being demolished? Will they ever stop believing?

Will they actually hit them with their best shot?

It should be noted that this musical, although the characters don’t know they are in a musical (like some of them do in Broadway) definitely makes fun of itself, and isn’t going for a serious thing. They just want nothing but a good time. And I belive they definitely deliver. The music is fun and catchy, lots of great songs and mash ups, and yet it is incredibly different from the broadway version.

I’m not negatively comparing, just noting, they have entirely different plots, and only the same main main characters. This lead to awesome moments, like the church dance scene for Hit Me With Your Best shot. Unfortuantely that was my second favorite song on the original soundtrack, as it had a german guy singing it, and it sounded amazing. Similarly, my favorite song was a mash up of Heaven / More Than Words / To Be With You, but in the movie they took out the Mr. Big parts, so no mash ups were ever 3+ songs.

They also in general had to cut out a lot of songs, and added new one ins, but kept some of the jokes. I mean, making the girl named Sherrie still, but cutting out Oh Sherrie? That’s just cruel.

But besides that, the movie felt pretty awesome. Some problems include Sherrie doing pretty much the same thing in every song it felt like (walking down the street belting lyrics. every damn time) and once they introduce Mary J. Blige she was also pretty much a part of every song after that, despite barely making sense.

But hey. The REO Speedwagon duet between Baldwin and Brand is reason alone to see this musical.

I’ve been averaging about two movies a day the last few weeks. Usually I do a movie from the last five years, to review, and then one from 2006 and earlier, so I can watch more and more that I haven’t seen before. And you know, if they are old, I usually won’t review it. So win for me.

And then sometimes I could have sworn that a movie came out in the early 2000s, just to find out that I am wrong. So hey look, The Nanny Diaries.

I just met you, and you seem crazy. No I won’t go and watch your baby.

Annie (Scarlett Johansson) is a college graduate and ready to get her big city job and be awesome! But of course, that won’t happen. While dicking around in the park, she pushes a kid out of the way of a biker and saves him from some minor damage and lots of crying. The mom of the kid, Mrs. X (Laura Linney) (To protect the innocent) is stoked, because she is a bad mother and lost her son. And her last nanny quit. Well, her name is Annie and she graduated college, she must be qualified to look after a kid for her.

Turns out single white females with degrees are popular in the nanny community, for whatever reason. So she gets lots of offers, and takes Mrs. X, because it comes with a fancy meal, and she was first. She just keeps it secret from her mom, as she has found a “temporary summer job” instead of a real corporate job. Even though her best friend Lynette (Alicia Keys) thinks it is a bad idea (and will get mad if all she talks about is Nannying).

She gets the job, blah blah, it is hard as crap. Kid doesn’t like her at first. Mom is a bitch who won’t learn her name. Dad (Paul Giamatti) is away on business a lot and for sure cheating all up over the place. She also meets ‘Harvard Hottie’ (Chris Evans) who grew up like the kid she is a Nanny for, and I guess shows that they can grow up to be decent people. With the right help.

Well shit. She wants to leave the job. But then the kid will grow up all sorts of fucked and rotten. What can she do!?

Ah yes. Glare awkwardly at the side of the room with another nanny. Brilliant!

Good news, this movie doesn’t turn into “And then she lived happily ever after as a nanny for the rest of her life” or a “And then she found true love and never had to nanny again for the rest of her life” story. Hooray! Romance is there, but not central and not dramatic, just mainly to show the foil as I mentioned above. Similarly, she only does nanny for a short time, and discovers what she wants to do with her life.

This movie, based on a book, honestly didn’t surprise me too much. Mrs. X was a horrifying bitch, unbelievable attitude that I could not understand. Just made me mad the whole film, which I guess is the point. I did like the overall story though, surprisingly enough, yet not entirely sure if its just because I like Scarlett Johansson.

Hmm. Probably just that.

Pretty Bird is a story about what everyone dreams about and wants. A jet pack.

Or a Rocket Belt as they call it in this movie. Based kind of off of true events, where a Rocket Belt was invented in the mid 90s. Yes, we are going back to one of the scariest moments of US History. Post-Grunge.

But you could tell that from the fashion.

Curtis Prentiss (Billy Crudup) is an entrepreneur. And by that, I mean a guy with a plan and an idea, and someone who can talk really good like. He has a friend Kenny (David Hornsby, who is the Brother in Law to Zooey Deschanel) who is pretty wealthy and looking to invest in things. He also likes the idea of a rocket belt!

But their problem is you know, needing someone to make it. An idea and money isn’t always good enough, you need someone with those brain smarts. If they are into physics or rocketry, even better. Enter Rick Honeycutt (Paul Giamatti) who just got laid off from his job and has nothing to do. Perfect!

So they get to work, needing more and more money, having a lab, etc. Eventually they get a prototype that actually works, for about 30s at a time!

Then other stuff happens. All three men have clashing personalities, so they fight a lot. Other investors brought in. And eventually the rocket pack goes missing, never to be seen again. Also featuring Kristen Wiig as a secretary like person and potential love interest. Hollaaa.

That hand-vac really amps up the sex appeal.

This film is actually the directorial debut of Paul Schneider, or Mark Brendanawicz if you are cool. And really there is not much to say about it.

Guy gets idea, idea works, too much success to quickly, everyone flips a shit, history doesn’t change.

And I can’t tell how much of it is true and how much is exaggerated. But plot wise, it isn’t exciting at all, despite dealing with jet packs. I think I really enjoyed one scene, it had some yelling, and another was funny, but after that was a meh-fest. So didn’t see the point of telling the tale. Oh well.

Hopefully when you first heard of the title The Ides Of March, you thought of the Ides of March. If not, I demand that you brush up on your Roman history. It is the time when Caesar was killed by the Senate, in the streets of Rome. Considered the ultimate act of betrayal in history, by some.

“Et tu, Ryan?”

The main star of the film is actually Ryan Gosling, not George Clooney. Must be getting too old. Clooney is, however, running for the democratic bid for president. If he can take Ohio, he takes it. If not, well, he still can win with the rest. His opponent is lame compared to him.

Gosling works on the campaign, I think second in charge, despite his young age. Philip Seymour Hoffman is running their ship though. And Paul Giamatti is the campaign manager for the other guy. Both of them are older and have been around the block before.

But when Giamatti calls Gosling to set up a secret meeting, and suggests the possibility of him jumping ship, Gosling says “Fuck that!” but more eloquently. Unfortunately (apparently) in politics, shit like that is bad news. If word gets out that the meeting even took place (possibly by Marisa Tomei, since she is a reporter), he could lose his job and hurt Clooney’s side. Oh, and there is also the other part dealing with Evan Rachel Wood, an intern for their campaign, and daughter of the Democratic National Convention head guy, who might be trying to get it on with Gosling. Politics suck!

I think this is the best real life example of the “:|” face I have ever seen.

Anyways, as expected by the title, there is a lot of backstabbing and treachery in the movie. More than I thought. To me it took awhile to build up, and through most of it, I just thought it was okay. Apparently all politician and politician helpers are cold and corrupt. Ryan should get out of there before it corrupts him too! After a point you really don’t know who is being played, and who can out bluff one another.

But the ending, I really really liked how it ended. The last 20-30 minutes were solid and unexpected. Everyone did a great job. I don’t think its perfect of course. Felt there was a bit of unnecessary stuff in the first half, that didn’t matter as much. But maybe that was the point? To throw you off?

If you like political movies, you will like this. I like political movies, but hate politics. Real people aren’t this clever.

Whoops! I may have accidentally watched two “indie” movies on the same day. Whoops! Both of them happened to have Kate Mara in them! Maybe it was an accident, or maybe I did it on purpose.

Or maybe I did it for this face.

I actually thought that this movie had something with heavy metal and medieval knights. Turns out, Ironclad is actually a very historical based film. This is the “True” story of post Magna Carta signing England. It involves siege stuff! According to other people, most of it is is correct, including how the fights happened and the armor used. Even though I am a ancient history major, I tend to dislike medieval based history or films. They always seem so full of themselves. This kind of did that as well. It had some larger boring parts, because parts of history are boring. Also it became a bit hard to follow at certain parts, as I continued to forget where they were at that point.

Paul Giamatti plays King John. Big shoes to fill, but also means he gets to play an asshole, which is 95% of his roles anyways. Similarly James Purefoy was a great protagonist. Lots of blood and fighting in this. Kate Mara plays the Purefoy crush, which is understandable. Apparently she sings the anthem some times are NY Giants games. Her grandparents founded the Giants and the Steelers, but fuck the Steelers.

And fuck the Penguins too.

I was super tired during the first half. So I may have missed a few things. It is surprisingly well done for a smaller budget, but unless you are a fan of the times probably won’t enjoy many rewatches.

I first thought this movie would be some lame Indie movie that was just trying to be like real life and bore me. But actually it got pretty interesting after the first ~15 minutes. Paul G is a volunteer wrestling coach at a high school, and lawyer. He also becomes the official guardian of an old dude and puts him in a home…as his grandson he never knew about comes to down to escape from his pseudo messed up mom (Played by Beth from Detroit Rock City. Whoaaa).

I am pretty sure that is the original draft of The Simpsons as well.

Anyways, the kid joins the wrestling team, does good, and continues to have family issues. Was a very real story, but super interesting. Movie has some comedic elements, but the kid actor really did fantastic in his role. I IMDB’d him and he has only done this role. Never acted before this. Used to be a great wrestler himself but had some spine injury or something. Alex Shaffer would be a very interesting person to watch to see if he continues to act, because he was very believable.

The ending had everything just fit into place, almost forced, but overall just a very enjoyable film. Of course before then everyone gets mad at each other, the kid doesn’t do as good at wrestling, and almost leaves his small town. But thankfully not only does he find a new family to live with, he also finds something he can excel at, and enrich the lives of others. You could even call it a Win Win situation.

“I see what you did there.”

Also, the wife is played by Michael Scott’s lover in The Office.

Barney’s Version is a movie I had never heard of, but apparently it was nominated for an Academy Award AND starred Paul Giamatti? At the same time?

This is my subtle way of implying Hell has frozen over.

Of course after watching, I saw that it was actually only nominated for Best Makeup. Whoops. It lost to The Wolfman.

That is a shitty category anyways. The fact that Curious Case of Benjamin Button beat out Hellboy II is a sham! (Yes, I have opinions on who should win Best Makeup).

Regardless, this was a pretty good movie. Calling a comedy, I don’t agree with. Paul makes a bunch of jokes, and some situations occur, but overall I thought of it as a drama. Especially when you realized WHY this movie is called Barney’s Version, and what is actually going on.

The ending was pretty sad. I had some tears. It is a story of a man who falls in love with three women throughout his life. It also explores the relationship with his best friend, also leading to some very interesting moments. The story is told out of order, but that also has a reason.

And it not just because of alcohol.

The movie is actually based off of a book. I don’t know of anyone who has read the book. So it probably sucks. The best part of this movie is that it takes place in Canada, which means, you guessed it, there are hockey related scenes in it. He is from Montreal in the movie, and in one great scene, he is rushing into the streets to catch a woman before she hops on a train….and traffic is backed up because the Habs have won a playoff game. Good stuff.

Clearly any movie with a hockey scene is a good movie too. Good, not as well known, pick up.