Tag: Gabourey Sidibe

I don’t hate Sacha Baron Cohen as an actor, I think he can be amazing. He just lets himself get into a lot of shitty roles. He still always gives it his all.

The Brothers Grimsby is one of those shitty roles. I didn’t really know what it was about. But it did have a bit of genius advertisement campaign.

It went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! to show a clip, but made sure to show a clip that could not be shown on TV. A gross, over the top, cringey clip. But since it couldn’t be shown, instead they just showed the audience flipping their shit. Of course that went rival, and hey, probably more people went to see the movie. Good job PR company.

Oh. Um. And this is a bad job, PR Company.

Nobby (Sacha Baron Cohen) is a simple man living in the small town of Grimsby. He has a wife (Rebel Wilson), 11 kids, and an empty room. The room is for his brother, Sebastian (Mark Strong). A long long time ago they were separated thanks to the foster system, but Nobby knew that one day he would meet his brother again, and damn it, he needed a room for him.

Nobby likes to drink, watch football, and party. But then he finds out the location of his brother! He has to go to a big charity event to find him, but when he does he gives him the biggest of brotherly hugs. This causes Sebastian, a trained government assassin, to kill the wrong target and get himself into noodles of trouble.

Now Sebastian has to go on the run, while dealing with his incompetent brother. His brother being there is also his saving grace, because no one knows he exists, so it gives him a place to hide and let all of this blow over.

Also starring in this cesspool: Ian McShane, Penelope Cruz, Sam Hazeldine, Isla Fisher, Scott Adkins, Annabelle Wallis, Gabourey Sidibe, and poor Barkhad Abdi, who is just willing to take any job really.

I’m not drunk, you’re a pool table!

Want to know what the gross scene was that they showed the audience? Fine. Strong and Cohen climb into the vagina of an Elephant to hide from pursuers. While hiding, a male elephant decides to go for it and so they are crammed in there, with a large elephant penis coming in an out. Cohen knows it can last for hours, so they actively try to help the penis ejaculate to make it end. And it of course ends with elephant semen. But wait, there ends up being a huge line of elephants ready to jump on, giving them hours of cramped in a vagina, ejaculating elephants fun.

Okay so typed out that is terrible. Watching it is gross (but don’t worry, it doesn’t look incredibly realistic, it just looks stupid and a little gross). Having gross scenes in a movie does not make the movie terrible, being overall terrible and unfunny does that.

There are quite a few “outlandish” scenes in the film that will make an ordinary viewer just want to turn it off. A very long joke about sucking out venom out of a penis. The first picture alludes to the seduction of a woman who doesn’t have the normal standard of beauty. Jokes about AIDS and Trump (before it was fashionable, still dumb jokes) and of course a very weak plot line.

There is just nothing amusing or remotely interesting in this film. Cohen is over the top, he is always over the top, but the film is shit and really can hopefully be easily forgotten from my existence. After I finish typing up my worst of the year list.

If I was a White Bird, I would stay far away from blizzards.

Correction, if I was any color bird, I would stay away from all forms of snow. Fuck that. Birds and snow don’t go together. I am also under the impression that penguins are secretly fish. I don’t think my bird body could deal with snow, let alone lots of it.

So sure, a White Bird In A Blizzard may be impossible to see, but if you are any bird in a blizzard, you are probably fucked regardless, right?

Maybe the moral of this movie, that I haven’t watched yet, is that you are fucked either way, but sometimes you are fucked and invisible.

What? This shit isn’t even a metaphor? She is literally in a blizzard people, wearing white, and being white!

First off, get your time machines ready, this movie takes place in the past. Namely, the late 80’s and very early 90’s. So not too distant, but also before some of you were born.

No cell phones, no GPS, no facebooks, so when Kat’s (Shailene Woodley) mom, Eve (Eva Green), goes missing, there is not a lot they can do to find her. She vanished with no trace and no sign of fowl play. Kat’s dad, Brock (Christopher Meloni), is terribly shook up. Brock is a beta bitch, a pushover, and really doesn’t know how to live comfortably after this news. It seems Eve just grew a bit crazy, being a housewife, not getting to be as wild as she used to be, having to make dinner and stay at home all day. So she just bailed, especially when Brock didn’t really fulfill her sexually.

And who could fulfill her sexually, based on her movie history? And based on his TV history.

Either way, all of this has messed up Kat’s social life a bit. She is blossoming into a flower and doesn’t want to be like her mom, so she has sex when she wants and with who she wants. Usually her neighbor/boyfriend (Shiloh Fernandez). But maybe older men who she shouldn’t be messing with. Maybe.

Oh well. Life sucks. Kat feels lost. And she has to rely on her relationships, her friends (Mark Indelicato, Gabourey Sidibe) and the Detective (Thomas Jane) to help her get by unscathed without being too messed up.

A strong independent black woman and a gay male, the best of best friends represented.

Whoa. This movie dealt with some serious issues. Let’s compare them to Miss Woodley’s other work!

Divergent didn’t really deal with anything serious, as it was clearly just an intense high school film. She didn’t make it into the final cut of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 movie, so no issues at all. The Fault In Our Stars was about death and life at a young age, so we are getting closer. And The Spectacular Now also had a lot of serious issues.

But the issues in this movie are definitely the most serious. And most shocking, given her status as a younger franchise leading woman now. Because this movie deals with a lot of sex, and because of that, sex happens, and yeah, I can see why maybe the Divergent producers maybe wanted to hide this movie from the general public. They might not want their young star being in movies all naked and having sex with older men. Might ruin imaging.

This might be why White Bird In A Blizzard didn’t get a super wide or public release. It kind of just snuck out of nowhere on my radar. It is based on a book, but who cares.

Or or or or hey. Or maybe. Just maybe. It didn’t get a wide release because it wasn’t the best film?

I mean, it had some nice moments. But it also had a lot of dull ones. I don’t think it fell into too many cliches, it just didn’t really seem like a movie that would never stick with me too long after watching it. I won’t forget about the entire movie in a month, just most of it.

From the start I think Tower Heist got a lot of bad publicity. Why initially? Because it planned on releasing itself for download only a month after going to theaters, before coming out on DVDs. Apparently a lot of theaters were mad about that, and were refusing to show it. So of course it backed down.

But then after that, people are generally “Ben Stiller? Gross, next.”

That is the face Ben Stiller makes every time someone walks away and calls him gross.

I think the trailer did a bad job of explaining the overall plot. So here we go. The Tower is actually some large sky scrapper building in NYC, that is basically just apartments. Large staff, super secure, and they don’t accept tips.

Ben Stiller is the overall manager, runs the day to day, keeps his staff in tip top shape and helps all of the top clients. Casey Affleck is his second in command. Matthew Broderick is a formerly rich guy getting evicted and divorced, Michael Pena plays an elevator operator, and Gabourey Sidibe is a Jamaican maid.

And they all get fucked over. The penthouse belongs to rich wall street investor Alan Alda. And he has just been arrested for stealing investments, and getting people trapped in Ponzi schemes. And he also handled everyone who works in the Tower’s pensions!

Stiller gets mad. And he takes it out on Alda’s apartment (as he is now stuck there for temporary house arrest), getting himself and other fired. He then takes the drunk advice of a special agent on the case, Tea Leoni, and decides that the old school method of pitchforks and mobs to storm the castle were appropriate. But instead of storming, they should rob him.

The amount of money he should own versus what they found didn’t match up, so it is likely that Alda is hiding a batch in his apartment, in a safe in a secret wall. Can his team get the maybe 20 million dollars in the safe, escape without jail time, and divide it up amongst the workers to get their money back? Not without a criminal. Thankfully Stiller “knows” a guy, Eddie Murphy, who steals shit!

Potted plants, cash, and scenes, mostly.

Seriously. Eddie Murphy is hilarious in this movie. This is best classified as an action/comedy, despite the action not being that much, and the comedy not being…that much. Oddly enough. There was only a few times I really had a good laugh, some of Eddie Murphy’s scenes, the thing about lesbians, and a few others. But I could just classify it as a “movie” and maybe that genre is specific enough.

But I really enjoyed it as a whole. When I saw the preview, I assumed it wasn’t an apartment, but just some big corporation in NYC. I assumed they were people who had lost their jobs due to budget cuts, and I assumed Stiller used to be a big fat cat, but got screwed over. But they really do a good job of making you feel for and root for them. There are many other workers at the building who aren’t part of the thievery, but they show enough of why their lives were affected by it.

Some jokes and situations, sure predictable. But not all of them, nor the ending really. I was surprised that I liked it that much.