The Grinch

The Grinch would be the biggest Dr. Seuss effect on society if it wasn’t for that feline that wore head accessories.

Speaking of the Cat of the Hat, I have still never seen that live action movie. But it was supposedly terrible, so bad that that the Seuss family said no more live action films. Just animated. Which means that eventually we got to have The Lorax from Illumination Entertainment, a company normally on my shitlist, because they make shit to average films.

And despite seemingly having any Seuss thing to work with, they figured they could just do The Grinch again. Why? I don’t know. We have a successful animated 2D version, and a successful 3D live action version, so I guess we need another version, this time animated and 3D.

If it was a better company, I would be annoyed because they could have decided to do One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish instead. Maybe Tim Burton will tackle that one after Dumbo.

Snowman
One way to ruin Christmas is to teach the local youth about jerking someone else off.

Oh yeah, this is the section where I talk about the plot of The Grinch.

So uhhh, there is this place called Whoville, where all these Whooligans live in splendor and wonder. They are overtly happy and cheerful, and for whatever reason, they all enjoy the shit out of Christmas. Decorations, noise, presents, togetherness, food, you name it. Christmas is number one. Celebrations all month long.

But someone doesn’t love Christmas. No, he hates it. The Grinch (Benedict Cumberbatch) lives in a mountain outside of Whoville, alone and bitter, with his dog, Max. He just wants to be left alone, but he has to visit Whoville to buy food occasionally. Normally he hides up all December to avoid the festivities.

This year, however, he has to return and get involved. Because they are putting everything bigger, 3 times bigger at least, and that he cannot stand. He must steal this Christmas from them, to make them feel as sad as he does all the time. That will show those Whos who’s boss.

Also featuring Angela Lansbury, Cameron Seely, Kenan Thompson, Rashida Jones, and Pharrell Williams at the narrator.

Santa
That’s not Santa! Santa Claus is a black man!

There is only really one major point I want to harp on, so I will get to the quicker stuff first. The Grinch doesn’t seem mean, just sad and lame. The film felt too long, and featured what turned out to be an unnecessary reindeer plot to pad the time. And the backstory they gave to him paints the city of Whoville as a terrible place to be with a bunch of assholes, and also sort of makes his behavior completely justifiable. Great.

However, besides all of that, I have a question. Do you think the Whos in Whoville worship Jesus or believe in any sort of god? Because in the last two movies and the book, they have not made any references to Jesus or religion. They celebrate Christmas like Americans, the secular ones at least. Presents, Santa, food, and togetherness.

There are no mangers in Whoville! This is not Earth at all, it is its own planet or city or entity. Shit, maybe it is on a snowflake.

But not in this movie. The first sign was when a choir was singing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” in what was definitely a minute long and silly scene. It took me out of the movie. They had Angels on trees, which isn’t as bad. But then even later, there was a singing of Silent Night, another very religious song.

These movie makers are so out of touch with the material, that they are getting their own potential Christmas traditions mixed up with Whoville Christmas traditions and that is a problem.

Come on, you know it is true. A fundamental breakdown of this magnitude is either agenda driven, or a lack of intelligence, neither of which should be celebrated.

1 out of 4.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins

Mr. Popper’s Penguins, another old story/book turned movie. I can’t say I remember anything about the book, but I am sure I have read it once in my life. It was probably a ridiculous concept book, that was turned into a ridiculous concept movie. I can tell you that the comedy present in the film is not the caliber Ace Ventura stuff you used to expect from a Jim Carrey movie, because once you go “talking out of your ass”, it is hard to top that. But there are enough decent scenes involving PENGUINS for you to at least enjoy yourself.

Jim Carrey Gay gay
You can top “ass talk” if you go gay, however. What?

Obviously Popper is Jim, and he plays some sort of real estate buyer. I guess he works for a company that buys properties that owe money, and then sells them for higher if they are fixed, or gets rid of the buildings for new and exciting things! When he was a kid, his dad used to go on adventured, and never had time for him. He did communicate with him over some weird crazy “radio” thing. Silly technology.

But now he is divorced with two kids! He is feeling like a distant father himself, no good. His kids don’t seem to care, the older being played by Madeline Carroll, who was also in Cafe and Flipped. While he is trying to spend time from kids, he gets a package from his dad (from his will) and inside is a penguin? What?? Shenanigans! This isn’t good. He eventually gets five more boxes, and thats where all the zany adventures start.

Angela Lansbury plays the old lady who owns the last plot of land his company needs. Clark Gregg is the zookeeper originally called to take away the penguins, but later becomes the villain. Ophelia Lovibond is Popper’s assistant, Pippi, and I only mention her because she talks with a lot of P words, very properly, and looks way too much like Lexi Belle for a kids movie.

Jim dance
It’d be inappropriate to show pictures of Lexi Belle here, jerks. Instead, dancing penguins!

As I said, the humor is okay. Most of it is just “awww” based, dealing with penguins in public. I would rather the penguins not be named after adjectives, and wish they didn’t do a penguin that just happens to fart all the time. Come on movie, rise above that. Also, less Sidney Crosby jerseys would have been preferable. Only one scene really bugged me, in the art gallery. In which it showed a whole lot people seemingly being fine with standing in water that suddenly appeared at their feet, and all “what the fuck!” only when penguins were coming down as well. No one likes wet shoes, people.

But yeah, the plots ridiculous, but any penguin lover will like it. It also preaches good family values overall, and doing the right thing. Well, eventually doing the right then. First there might be some bribery.

2 out of 4.