Gorgon Reviews

I do love me some double meaning titles in movies. They literally carry me through life. Without them, I would be a lost little shell of a man, who has no friends, no family, no love, and of course, no double meaning titles.

Last year we got CODA, which was brilliant, and already this year we now have The Outfit. The Outfit is a nickname given to the Chicago mafia specifically, and it is pretty well known. And this movie is also going to involve a tailor? A suit maker? Someone who literally designs outfits?

Sign me up. But only if the movie includes actual tailoring and suit crafting knowledge and teaching. I don’t want it to be about someone who looks like they are faking it, or the movie doesn’t know the subject matter. Teach me, or else I riot.

No, get out of here with your guns. I want to learn about tailoring and suit making!

Leonard (Mark Rylance) is an older gentleman, who runs his own suit shop. By appointment only, he will design all of the way a fresh suit for whoever will buy one, and it will be of the highest quality. But he is NOT a tailor. That is just a bitch who can sew. He is a cutter. He is a trained cutter. He demands that title respect too. He also has a receptionist (Zoey Deutch) who dreams of traveling the world some day, and collects snow globes to put in their shop window.

And sometimes, when he is working, with or without customers, men in suits come in to put envelopes in a lock box in the back room. Very suspicious. Leonard ignores them. And apparently at the end of the day, two mobsters (Dylan O’Brien, Johnny Flynn) go to the lockbox to retrieve the envelopes, and go back off into the night.

Looks like Leonard is a safe house for the mob, but he tries to not get involved in their antics. Does he do it for protection? For survival? Is he a former mobster? Who knows!

But once a note gets out that there is a rat in the organization, it turns out his closed shop is going to be almost ground zero for betrayal, backstabbing, and just regular amounts of death.

Also starring Simon Russell Beale, Nikki Amuka-Bird, and Alan Mehdizadeh.

Yessss, this is the content I have come here for.

Did I learn how to be a tailor cutter? No, not really. But I did learn a little bit about it, which is more than I have ever assumed I would in my life, so that is a plus. Rylance’s narration reminded me a bit about Michael Caine‘s narration in The Prestige. No, I won’t go into specifics, for potential spoiler reasons, but they seemed to have the same overall goal. Also, Caine’s name in The Prestige was actually Cutter. Is that a coincidence? Yes, probably.

I loved The Outfit for sure. The entire thing takes place inside of the shop, which is wonderful. I love it when movies get Bottle Episode-y.

There were twists and turns in the film, some expected, some not. I certainly wasn’t sure the entirety of who the rat was by the end. I wasn’t sure who would live or die either. It was very slow moving at points, but the sitting and waiting really helped make me feel more uncomfortable, which is a good thing. I don’t want a mystery to feel pointless. You don’t want a mystery to feel pointless.

I think all of the actors involved did a swell job, but extra shoutout to Johnny Flynn. First, he is the actor with the most mobster like name in real life. But I was really impressed with his attitude, and accent, for being the fourth biggest name on the main cast list. I don’t know anything about him, but his character was magnificent.

The Outfit won’t likely do well in the box office, but from this critics mouth, it was a great movie, and one I can imagine watching even more than once.

4 out of 4.

A movie called X? I don’t know how my website will handle that. I know it hates when reviews are just numbers, it hates that a lot. But I don’t think I have reviewed a regular letter yet.

(Checks). Oh I did! The movie W. Don’t read that review, it is terrible, it was in the beginning. So X shouldn’t be a problem.

I am guessing that this film would have been called xXx if that one action franchise hadn’t happened. You know. Because of the pornographic content. Soon, people from Texas will be protesting this film even being in theaters I bet. Not like they have anything better to do I guess.

 

I am running this official photo purely to increase clicks. Can I be protested now?

 

Let’s head back to the late 1970’s in rural Texas, somewhere outside of Houston. A local strip club owner (Martin Henderson) has decided he should be financing a porno film! Debbie Does Dallas was recently released, and porn might not just be for perverts anymore? So he gets some of his dancers and friends together, to put up a script and film this bad boy right. 

He is bringing along his girlfriend and dancer, Maxine (Mia Goth), who wants to be a star, and another dancer, Bobby-Lynne (Brittany Snow). He has a friend of his to be the main dick (Kid Cudi), and he hired a real director (Owen Campbell) and his girlfriend (Jenna Ortega) to make this shoot look good and professional.  As producer, he just needed to find a place for them to film, which with the economy as it is, was easy. He was able to rent a whole other house on a farm, and maybe the barn too. Sure, he didn’t tell them the why he was renting, but that was on a need to know basis. 

The farmer (Stephen Ure) and his wife (also Mia Goth), are very old, and a bit out there, and certainly conservative. But what is the worst that can happen if they find out the truth? Time to fill the next porno classic, The Farmer’s Daughters. 

Also starring Simon Prast. 

 

The crew set to change cinema forever.

 

I mentioned recently that I have only seen two Texas Chainsaw movies in my life (unfortunately, just the last two), and even I found the recent one dreadful. But, this is probably the best sequel to a Texas Chainsaw movie ever, without being an actual Texas Chainsaw movie. Sure, technically, this one doesn’t have any chainsaws. But it does feature Texas and a Massacre. I haven’t seen the original, but I have to imagine the tone of that film seems to match this one pretty well, based on pop culture osmosis. 

For the actors, everyone seemed to really be giving it their all. Henderson seemed to be channeling everything from Matthew McConaughey that he could muster. I don’t know how I will see Snow in Hairspray again after this movie (don’t worry, she still sings in this movie). Cudi was hilarious as the male actor for the porno shoot, and was a real strong presence.  Ortega has the freak out face on lock after this and Scream. Campbell felt like a more Texan Martin Starr with movie filming knowledge, and was a fun cast member as a result.

As for the main lead, Goth, who played two roles. Well, first, I didn’t realize she was the old lady until writing this review. It makes sense, given what happens in the film. And the old lady certainly looked like someone in old makeup, so it is an interesting decision to just reuse her. I think she played her main role really well at least, and have a few complaints about the old lady, but not enough to fully detract from the film.

Apparently the director, Ti West, also filmed a prequel film to this one already, with the old lady, younger, during a war? I don’t think I care about that film idea at all. What story relevance would that have? I am happy to be surprised, I guess. 

X is campy when it needs to be, erotic at points, and still at its heart, guts, and insides, a horror film. Some of the deaths are obvious to track, but that isn’t a big issue. It is still entertaining, unique, and scary at points. A very proud, unofficial, sequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

 

3 out of 4.

 

Immediately hearing about a movie named Master, I get a little bit of unease. I think that is the goal. It certainly harkens up slavery in America’s past, especially given the main poster for this film.

Actually going into this movie, I have no clue what it is about. It could have been a period piece, a horror, a drama, or it could be a very surprising comedy, honestly. Lacking a better introduction, I am going on to the review.

Don’t glare at me, I don’t research every movie coming out, I swear.

Let’s go to college! Namely, Ancaster College! Does it sound like a really white college? That is what we are going for here. A really white old historic college somewhere in the northeast. You know, what of those type of colleges. An Ivy league.

Jasmine (Zoe Renee) is a new freshman, ready to learn and live and laugh and love. But she is getting a lot of stares. She sticks out. For obvious reasons. Plus, people keep talking about her room. It is a cursed room some say. It is where a girl killed herself in the past. Not fun at all.

Jasmine has to deal with the normal college pressures, while also, apparently, being one of the only black people on campus. There are a few black teachers around though. Gail Bishop (Regina Hall) and Sascha (Kara Young), the latter who is a faculty member trying to go for tenure, and one of Jasmine’s teachers.

Things start getting more controversial, when Jasmine is failing her essay, about race issues no less, and she starts to get more and more vivid nightmares on this campus.

Maybe…this campus, is really just a big cult? Who knows. If so, the College Board should be informed.

When going out for a run, it is important to bring a buddy, because racists are out there, yo. 

It was hard to tell what Master was going for, in its run time. Is it going for a real supernatural horror, causing the events of the film? Or at the events of the film just metaphors, for what the characters experience, with micro- and macro-aggressions against them? Or maybe some level of in between?

Now, I will keep the truth to that question a secret of course. But I will say I was disappointed with the direction it ended up taking. It told a fine spooky movie of sorts, but I don’t think it really delved enough into the actual problems going on in the movie. They were alluded to, and I feel for a lot of people it will just go right over their heads. I am not saying that being subtle is bad, no. It is just that it isn’t really subtle either. It just seems to bring things up, and then ignore them later.

This is a movie that really feels like it was made to be streamed, where it might find an audience. But it lacked a lot of things that could have made it really stand out, as some sort of horror themed Dear White People. But we just got a pretty tame movie overall, with some fine acting and okay plot. This is one now doomed to go to streaming and be forgotten in a few days.

2 out of 4.

You might be wondering what a documentary mockumentary with the name Adventures in Success is about. Is it about getting a job? It is about running your own business? Is it about bettering your life to achieve all of your goals/

Or, is it about achieving a 12 hour orgasm?

Well. Arguably they would say if you can do that latter, you can maybe do anything in life.

This group in the Catskills, who definitely don’t consider themselves to be a cult, want to live in their own special community, with love, growth, and harmony. They do have a woman founder, of course. Peggy (Lexie Mountain) preaches to them about discovering who they really are and how they can grow, and of course, how can they experience an orgasm for several hours. Not the men, just the ladies. The men don’t need to be orgasming up in this group, that is selfish. They all need to learn what Jilling Off really means.

And this group is still fresh and new and recruiting members. They are trying to grow their numbers and get the message out there, by designing pamphlets, and maybe even going to a conference or two.

Will they succeed, or will their efforts flatten out like a penis post orgasm?

Also starring Alec Jones-Trujillo, Asia Lee Boostani, Drew Freed, Khan Baykal, Mo Stark, Nell Sherman, Nina Tarr, Robby Rackleff, and Yaz Perea.

Holding hands always made me orgasm for at least 10 minutes.

I’ve always said mockumentaries are my jam, and we really need more of them. I am surprised we don’t have an onslaught of these as films coming out, with the recent decades success of shows like The Office, Parks and Recreation, and Modern Family, all done in a documentary like setting. Mockumentaries are usually still a different style, but it could be time for a major mockumentary to finally take the world by storm, like all of the Christopher Guest ones and, well, I literally can’t think of more examples unfortunately.

As for Adventures in Success, this comedy film seems like it has some actual good ideas in it, but I don’t feel like it gets fully explored enough. There are some wonderful jokes, including my favorite being the member who didn’t know that men weren’t supposed to orgasm, and kept bringing it up.

It did highlight the confusion and frustration of starting any organization, of course. And its quick descend into disorder was not actually expected in the small time we had with this group.

I guess, if I had to restate the complaints in another way, I would say…Adventures in Success did not go hard enough in its topic, nor was the climax satisfying, but the foreplay was decent.

2 out of 4.

Like a lot of people my age, I first learned about Cyrano from one specific location. You know, the dog. Wishbone. Specifically the episode Cyranose, which was early on in the shows run. Have I ever read the book Cyrano de Bergerac? Heck no. No need to. I saw the wishbone episode. It gave me a great summary, and related the events in that book to a modern story involving teenagers and their dog. What more could I ask for?

I guess. I could ask for, eventually, a movie version of the events. But even better? Let’s make it a musical. Apparently this movie isn’t an original musical, it was based on a stage musical that came out a few years ago, starring Peter Dinklage and music by members of The National. Whew, I was worried for a second when I first saw advertisements that the people who made the movie had somehow came up with songs all on their own for a movie. But alas, its an adaptation of an adaptation.

On another note, it is directed by Joe Wright, a man who certainly knows how to make a period piece. Darkest Hour, Atonement, Pride and Prejudice, and Anna Karenina. We just won’t talk about The Woman in the Window and Pan, and point out that Wright knows how to make the past look good.

This is likely the sexiest version of Cyrano ever on a film screen.

Cyrano (Peter Dinklage) is relatively wealthy, he is witty, is romantic, and he knows how to fight. What he doesn’t have, is looks. In the books, he is described as various forms of ugly, including an unfortunate nose and a hunch backed, but this film took it in a very different direction. Cyrano is also in love! Oh what misfortune.

Roxanne (Haley Bennett) is some level of aristocrat, from the same village as Cyrano originally. Her house hold is losing prestige though, and money, and she will likely be poor sometime soon. Her house keeper Marie (Monica Dolan) is trying to keep her safe, and get her to marry the some rich count (Ben Mendelsohn). But she doesn’t want him. He is boring, and probably mean. She wants love damn it. And she thinks she has finally found it.

That’s right. A random guard, new to the city, Christian (Kelvin Harrison Jr.), who is in Cyrano’s regiment. Time to rekindle with her old friend to ask for a favor. Get this guard to write to her. He must be smart to go with those looks. Cyrano, heart broken, yet in love, agrees to get Christian to write to her. But it turns out Christian ISN’T witty, and the knowledge of that will disappoint Roxanne. What is a noble to do? Guess Cyrano will just have to write the letters for Christian, to help their love, built entirely on deceit.

Also starring Bashir Salahuddin, Anjana Vasan, and Joshua James.

Can’t express love nicely with words? Well, you could always hire a giant dance team and do choreography.

I know Cyrano is meant to be witty, but goddamn, they picked Peter Dinklage, who now has a history of playing smart and charismatic characters. Regardless of size differences, it is hard to imagine someone not immediately falling at his feet throughout this film. He basically seems to be someone who has everything. Roxanne was just someone who was blinded, and probably shitty as well.

Cyrano is a really strong acted and beautifully shot movie. The music is meant to feel a bit more natural. I believe it was filmed with the actors singing live on camera, and not lip sync’d for more professional sounding songs. That sounds like it could be a good idea, like Les Miserables, and some songs in other modern musicals. However, that also meant that at points it was extremely hard to actually hear the lyrics. Over the actual song sound and other noise. That was disappointing, but it is still a big experiment to do this in movies with live singing. It wanted to translate the live stage experience as much as possible, I guess, to have the same natural feeling that most of the songs take.

And honestly, the natural feeling is such a huge positive. Wherever I Fall part 1 is an incredible song. It is sad, it is painful, it is beautiful, and it is sung by three characters who I assume don’t even have real character names (confirmed, Guard #1, Guard #2, and Guard #3). Other songs are beautiful, and a lot of them have similarities in tone. It lacks diversity, for the sake of a common sound. It isn’t going for a series of ballads that people will sing along with and argue about. It wants that cohesion, which is an interesting strategy.

Acting wise, the big three are all strong. Bennett’s character almost feels like overacting at points, but that matches the general attitude and romanticizing that the character necessitates. Harrison Jr. has had a strong last few years in film (see Waves, my favorite film of 2019), and he now can sing too. And as I already mentioned, Dinklage is incredible in this role, and seems to bring a lot of emotional baggage to the role.

Cyrano is incredible, and honestly, we should be angry at its ridiculously long release date for a “2021” movie. I get the move back to Valentine’s Day, but then shifting it to late February? It can’t make my best of the year list if I can’t see it until February, and if it wanted to throw away any attempt at awards, it should have just actually came out in 2022.

4 out of 4.

(dis)HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Here are the other films this year I gave a 0 out of 4 to, in no particular order: A Week Away, Dave Chappelle: The Closer, F9, Rumble, Sensation, Taking A Shot At Love, The Boss Baby: Family Business, The Ice Road, The Never List, The Retreat, The Unholy, and Zeroes and Ones.

15) Secret Magic Control Agency

Why is it on the list? With so many terrible movies, why does this animated movie make the list instead of a new Boss Baby? Well, for one, this movie is lazy. It makes Hansel and Gretel the main characters. Why does every Grimm brothers story adaptation need to have them as the lead? Are they even trying? This one started to do something different, by having them being adults and having some angst in their past. Cool. Grown ups. Then nope, convoluted plot later, they also are now going to be kids to solve this boring ass mystery. The animation is poor, the story is extremely poor, and at no point was enjoyment derived.

Worst moment? The logic that a great trained spy needs to work with a criminal to save the day.

Any Worst Awards? Worst use of Grimm brothers material in 2021. (This was hard to come up with).

14) The Addams Family 2

Why is it on the list? I certainly didn’t like the first film, The Addams Family, but it had a couple of nice moments. Some clever stuff. The animation style threw me off, and it didn’t feel like they tried too much. The sequel is worse. It goes through a classically boring plot line of “what if one of them isn’t actually a family member,” when we all know they are. It is a plot line that has no pay off, and oh what is that, a road trip movie as well? Fan-fucking-tastic.

Worst moment? I am pretty sure this is a movie with a science fair with a volcano again, so I am picking that by default.

Any Worst Awards? Worst animated sequel film of 2021.

13) Caged

Why is it on the list? Even if you have never heard of them before, low budget shit movies are still shit movies. Caged is a story about a guy in jail, for murder, and then specifically about solitary confinement. He gets harassed by guards, we have flashbacks to exactly one scene on a boar between him and his wife, and then he starts to hallucinate and freak out. But honestly, this is one of the situations where the ideas behind this movie aren’t terrible, but the execution is a barely a whisper. The lighting, the visuals, the sounds, it just draws to a horrible experience for the viewer. No, it is not putting us in his situation, it is just putting me in a situation where I have to strain to tell what is going on and I have determined nothing worth my time.

Worst moment? The very slow flashback on the boat, that kept returning.

Any Worst Awards? Worst prison sentence of 2021.

12) Narco Sub

Why is it on the list? There is a good chance you haven’t heard of Narco Sub, and there is a better chance some biases affected this pick. The director at this point had only been known for doing mostly music based films, with dancing and weird graphics, or short films. None of which I would say made a whole lot of sense. This is the first example of making a longer film, but it is also an action film with explosions and drugs, hooray!  Unfortunately, or, as expected, the plot of this film makes very little sense. The characters actions are questionable, the fact that they even feel the need to do this strong war on drugs at this point is questionable. The payoff by the end is not worth any reason to keep watching it.

Worst moment? I tried to block it all out of my mind, but I remember some mansion scene at the end with the finals deaths, so definitely that one.

Any Worst Awards? Worst drug busting of 2021.

11) Tom & Jerry

Why is it on the list? I am never someone who got behind the idea of Tom & Jerry as an amusing idea. Jerry is a pompous dick. He is a mouse in some person’s house, who doesn’t want a mouse stealing the food and damaging the interior, and the cat is supposed to help get rid of it, but when Jerry succeeds it is awesome? Damn, Jerry, go to a different house. In the movie it is more of the same. For some reason they have animosity, and once again, Tom has to get the mouse out of the house. But this time it is a fancy hotel, with guests, and standards, that don’t include damn mice in the kitchen. Arguably even worse standards. But what makes this film actually terrible is to take cartoon physics and violence and put it in the real world, with almost no consequences. Sure, they show the damage that a giant fight dust cloud makes, but it seems in a world where these cartoon animals just exist and are okay with each other’s existence, somehow these two cause giant danger messes. Honestly, the wanton violence and destruction was so odd in this film, and it even turned my kids off from watching. I am also annoyed I can’t call this the worst film that had animated and real life people together.

Worst moment? Jerry destroying tom’s piano. He was using that to make money. He was a cat who could play piano!

Any Worst Awards? Second worst animated/live action film. Worst animated film based off of Hanna-Barbara.

10) Vanquish

Why is it on the list? Vanquish is a film that apparently actually went to theaters last year in April. It very quickly went to VOD on after that, and then everyone promptly forgot it existed. Honestly, I think if we didn’t have the weird theater situation last year, this one would have gone straight to VOD because no one would care to see it in theaters. Morgan Freeman in a film is a sure sign that things aren’t going to be great, and Ruby Rose seems to do a lot of roles to show that she can’t act. So why not combine the two into a dumb plot where her daughter is kidnapped and in danger unless she goes and takes out all these people in one night. Sigh. None of this film feels original, it is just the same old shit.

Worst moment? The ending twists, that everyone can see miles away.

Any Worst Awards? Worst action-drama film of 2021.

9) Karen

Why is it on the list? Because of course it is on the list. Karen is a BET channel exclusive, that wanted to make a Jordan Peele movie with no subtext, no good acting, and everything is entirely on the nose, including constant metaphorical winks. Having a white woman named Karen be racist and call the cops on people doing no wrong? Great, works well. But damn the hyper level overacting, like a soap opera on steroids, turns what could be a great thriller idea into a mess where everyone will just laugh at it and mock it relentless as it scrolls across the screen. Maybe that sounds like a good time, sure, but it is still a bad film. And why does she look like a Wayan’s brother is wearing her face as a mask?

Worst moment? The party crash scene was particularly cringe, but so was the calling of the cops.

Any Worst Awards? Worst white bitch of 2021.

8) The Hitman’s Wife Bodyguard

Why is it on the list? Coming from someone who didn’t love The Hitman’s Bodyguard, for a myriad of reasons, I am honestly shocked they could make a sequel that somehow felt a lot worse. I am not saying that shifting the focus to Salma Hayek‘s character and increasing her screen time is bad. They just did everything somehow worse. One of the only personality traits Ryan Reynolds had was his strict focus on safety, and after one movie of keeping it, they threw it out the window in this one. Once again, we have a terrible plot for our characters, and everything is a loose explanation between bad comedy scenes and average action scenes. And for some reason, Morgan Freeman shows up again, which as I already stated is a bad sign. They really kept his appearance under wraps, its because people know it would lessen the film.

Worst moment? The adoption scene.

Any Worst Awards? The worst action film, the worst action-comedy film, and the worst Morgan Freeman of 2021.

7) Music

Why is it on the list? Hey look, Sia directed a movie. Oh no, Sia really directed a movie and made a lot of decisions. For whatever reason, in this movie, she decided she needed the main character to be quite Autistic, nicknamed Music, and listening to songs all day. And then we get a normie family member who has to take care of her, and so we have a film about a person struggling to deal with someone with Autism, and less about Autism in general. Maddie Ziegler, who Sia puts in everything she can, plays Music, and goes into some very uncomfortable territory with what feel incredibly offensive. When this was all pointed out to Sia, and that they could have actually hired someone with Autism, she instead attacked her fans and made a movie she wanted. It had a lot of fun colorful song/music videos, which seems to be the real point of the film, stuff that we see in Music’s head. And it decided to offend everyone in the process.

Worst moment? Learning how to properly tackle and take down Music if she needs it?

Any Worst Awards? Worst musical, worst film about disabilities, and worst director backlash of 2021.

6) The Kissing Booth 3

Why is it on the list? Honestly, I am more surprised at how I thought five films were somewhat worse. Let me change the order real quick….no it is fine. The Kissing Booth 2 ended up with my worst film of 2020, for all the reasons anything is a bad move, and I wouldn’t really describe 3 as a better film though. The only reason it isn’t “as bad” is because this one objectively has an ending which notably the second one lacks an ending. The same cast of characters, making more confusing stories and moments where our lead absolutely has no boundaries with those she finds to be friends and lovers. And we have people practically stalking her to win her over? That shit ain’t cool. Get this child written nonsense out of here.

Worst moment? Mario Kart, a new list approaches, and the fact that this movie doesn’t end with all the characters in an orgy, since it seems to be going that direction this whole trilogy.

Any Worst Awards? Worst romcom, worst romance, worst “third film” in a franchise of 2021.

5) Space Jam: A New Legacy

Why is it on the list? Is the original Space Jam movie good? Probably not. But it certainly has some level of heart. It keeps things relatively focused on the Looney Tunes characters, and their attributes. It had, mostly low stakes, and only affected Michael Jordan and the Tunes. So what does the sequel do? Well, it first has an extremely similar plot, but HIGHER STAKES. (It also has characters both acknowledge with some jokes of the similar plot, while also not really acknowledging that the events in Space Jam happened, just to keep us confused).

Now, millions of people might die. Now we have all of these WB properties as cameos. At the same time, we have a game that doesn’t matter or has to happen. It just takes Lebron talking to his kid and being honest about what the App is trying to do, and they wouldn’t play the game, everyone could go home and they can be good. But no, we get a shitty sports game where LITERALLY the points are all made up. And at that point, there is nothing to root for. We don’t have any traditional rules to follow. It is just something that resembles basketball, with no real way to tell what one side has to do to win. That isn’t fun. That is confusing.

Worst moment? To be specific, it is when WB made a movie that wanted to have a humor and plot to appeal to kids, and stick it full of references to films before the year 2000 that a lot of them haven’t seen, to appeal to adults, who will hate this movie. And the background members of the audience.

Any Worst Awards? Worst movie with a mix of live action and cartoon characters, worst sports movie, worst sports cameos, worst film cameos, and worst movie dad of 2021.

4) God’s Not Dead: We The People

Why is it on the list? I am pretty sure every film in this franchise has made my worst of the year list, but surprisingly, never been the worst film. They all have similar problems, so it feels repetitive to write about it at this point, but still important. This is a franchise that wants to make big political statements with religious characters, to show that religious values are being attacked in the USA and the law is out to get them. The war on Christianity is real. They usually have real law cases in question in the credits that relate to the events in the film. And finally I checked them for this one. None of them match what is going on in this film. All of these law suits are generally about families who are suing school districts for teaching their kids they don’t want them to learn, or for being accepting of gays and trans kids. They let that moment out of the bag near the end of the movie with a big rant too, about evolution and gender. Is this what this about? Really? These films just make straw man arguments, make anyone not religious as a bad guy, and basically cartoon character villains who just want to oppress the fuck out of everyone.

Worst moment? Ending rant and the Muslim girl subplot finally returning from the first film.

Any Worst Awards? Worst fourth film in a franchise of 2021. And every other award I could give to this movie, instead will go to the number 3 film.

3) Roe v Wade

Why is it on the list? Oh? A movie about the supreme court case of Roe v. Wade that went to the Supreme Court and made sure that everyone in the United States needed to legally have access to abortions as a medical procedure. Surely nothing can go wrong with this.

Ohhh. Well. Sure. If they make a movie that is just highly propaganda for the Henry Wade side of Roe v. Wade. Henry Wade was a district attorney in Dallas, because Texas outlawed abortions and made it a criminal case for doctors. This went to the Supreme Court, and the rest is history. A history that is slowly but surely being ticked away and made more and more bare so that eventually it will be overturned, and then one group of people can celebrate the oppression of women in the United States. Where depending on where you live, you might have more rights than another state, in a country people call full of freedom.

Honestly, this movie was just disgusting. They made the lawyers look gross on the Roe side, the client look inept, doctors who did abortions as greedy/evil and also Jewish. This film that was made before 2018 actually, had a lot of names signed on who walked out, including the director, realizing this was a biased trash film that existed purely to attack women making a hard decision, and adding more unnecessary public pressure to not allow women choice. It feels like a follow up to Unplanned, but it turns out those were different people involved.

Worst moment? The behind the scene dialogues from the supreme court that no one would know, and the abortion jingle.

Any Worst Awards? Worst religious film, worst drama, worst political film, worst use of washed up celebrities, and worst piece of propaganda of 2021.

2) Earwig and the Witch

Why is it on the list? I remember seeing Earwig and the Witch relatively early in the year. It is the first CGI film from Studio Ghibli and it was a big deal. At the same time, it should be considered a big deal for how BAD it was. It is a film with a orphan who is probably a witch, getting adopted by a witch purely to be a cleaning hand in their house. This girl is absolutely the worst, getting in trouble on purpose wherever she goes, complaining, and whining. And you know what? She doesn’t change the whole movie. She wins what she want and is a brat the whole time. When her missing mom finally shows up, the film unexpectedly ends. The whole movie sounds like it was meant to be 25 minutes long and an introduction to a more interesting movie. Instead, it is drawn out, has bad morals, has a trailer that absolutely makes it look like a very different focused film with a musical element, and definitely the worst ending of a movie the whole year. I knew when I watched it that it had to be near the top worst endings ever, and it kept its pedestal the whole time.

Worst moment? The ending.

Any Worst Awards? Worst magic, worst bratty child, worst pet, worst trailer, worst ending, and worst animated film of 2021.

1) The Terrible Adventure

Why is it on the list? I think I developed actual pains watching The Terrible Adventure. You go in expecting it to be about a bad trip, not realizing that the bad trip was actually the decision to watch this film. It was clearly made on a shoestring budget. The audio is off throughout the film. I feel like most, if not all characters had to redo their dialogue after the fact, so it the sounds/words said don’t always match the mouth movements. The director cast his own kids in this film, that is hardly about environmentalism, and more about nepotism.

The kids are meant to be smart, so that they can solve these puzzles to win a hidden prize. However, they don’t come across smart in their actions and the puzzles are either so obvious, or so out there that of course only the “smart” characters can get it, when in reality it is just gibberish. The contest itself makes little to no sense. We have the dad character being abused by his ex wife, as she yells at him and physically throws objects at him, with the daughter just laughing to the side like this is normal. The ice cream bad guys are worse than cartoon characters. They are just nonsensical plot clouds that float around, sound strange, and interact with the characters when the writer decided them to, whether or not it made sense. There was one guy who I think imitated being Hispanic, which they all probably thought was hilarious for him to put on an accent, ignoring their own shitty racist decisions.

I can’t believe how bad this film was, nor could I believe the high ratings. This is what happens when you make a movie that no one sees, except your friends and family, and all the friends and family love it because they know the people involved.

Worst moment? (Gestures around wildly at the whole thing).

Any Worst Awards? Worst casting, worst comedy, worst villains, worst riddles, worst plot, worst casting again, and worst film of 2021.

Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site!

And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.

Wait, Uncharted is finally out!? The first Uncharted video game came out in 2007, and almost immediately was there talk of turning it into a movie. Like, people writing a script and all of that. Heck, in 2009, the second Uncharted game came out. One of my favorite video game commercials of all time was during a series of Sony commercials where people would give questions and concerns to Sony executives. It is more hilarious now with how the graphics stand out in today’s terms, but hey, they were pushing that movie angle hard.

So, fifteen years later, the movie is now released. So many script re-writes, producers, and directors were put onto the picture. Various people asked to star in it or with an interest to star in it, the most famous example being Nathan Fillion, who ended up being in a fan made short film for Uncharted. Even Mark Wahlberg was attached to be the main character. Personally, I wish it got made in time for the Bruce Campbell as Sully rumors were out, but that is because I generally want Bruce Campbell in most of my movies.

In the latest iterations of the film, that was supposed to come out in 2020 (but director dropping again and pandemic), Tom Holland was supposed to play “Young Nathan Drake” and it be a prequel to the game series. Based on the movie we got, that is sort of how this movie does play out. But honestly, it just feels like mostly regular aged Nathan Drake, not even young Drake anymore.

My own experience with the game franchise is I did finally play the first one after the third game was finally out. I maybe played it for two hours. I thought I was getting a Tomb Raider like game with a lot of puzzles and sure, some bad guys. I didn’t realize that honestly, it was about 95% a shooting game, with ammo scarcity issues, and people hiding behind crates and barrels, sprinkled throughout dungeon crawling with treasure and explosions. Damn shooting games, not at all my idea of entertainment.

Aw yeah, gun holsters, I bet he will shoot everyone, just like the games.
[Editor’s Note: This statement unfortunately isn’t accurate.]

The actual film opens up in the middle of action, then we get a flashback of the actual start, until we get back to the action. Oh okay.

But Nate (Tom Holland) used to be an orphan (I guess he still is?), with his older brother Sam (Rudy Pankow), but Sam got into more trouble than Nate, so he had to go on the run from the LAW. And since then they have been apart, but Sam still sends Nate post cards. They did thievery, they loved history, and apparently that is all that we really need. They wanted to be treasure hunters, and discover things from the past that were long forgotten or long hidden.

But now, we got some asshole coming up into his place of work, acting like he knows him. Victor Sullivan aka Sully (Mark Wahlberg), who wants to hire Nate for an upcoming job of his. Specifically to locate the gold that Magellan allegedly found when his team was the first to sail around the world in the 1500’s. It is rumored they found it and never gave it to the family who financed their voyage. Oh, and what is this? Sully apparently knows Sam, with picture proof, and that Sam is missing. That is the real way to get Nate involved.

Along the way they are going to have to break some crimes though. And discover ancient tombs and catacombs to find hopefully ancient treasure. The Moncada family, led by Santiago (Antonio Banderas) is also involved on this chase for treasure, as they hope to finally get what was long promised to them.

Also starring Sophia Ali, Tati Gabrielle, Steven Waddington, Pingi Moli, and Tiernan Jones. Also with a small yet obvious cameo from Nolan North, the original voice of Nathan Drake.

Almost all of the nice promo shots are of them on a damn boat. 

Uncharted as a film seems to pretty dang charted, so to speak.

It feels like Tomb Raider, and Dora, but with more dead people than normal I guess. Dead by stabbings, and crushings, and fallings. Did you know that Nathan Drake only fires a gun in one scene, and he misses every bullet? I guess they were trying to capture my personal experience as I was a bad shot in that game. But I didn’t have alternate ways to deal with the enemies, unfortunately. It is beyond strange to me to make a game that anyone would classify as a shooting game, and then not have a lot of shooting. That is one of the top three main components. The other two being Sully jokes, and treasure hunting.

I will point out that Holland is definitely doing some acting in this movie. I was afraid he would just feel like Spiderman. But his voice is a little different, less high pitched. His character still fights a bit more agile than one would expect. Unfortunately, the very first scene, which features physics only used before in video games and that one Hobbit scene. It felt like I was intentionally being trolled into watching a Spiderman without the costume film.

Overall, I think the ACTION scenes were the worst part of the movie. I am sure the crates and the ships on planes were probably parts of the video game. But both of those scenes felt so CGI heavy. The crates became additionally boring to watch for the same reason. Having it start the film didn’t help either, as it became broken up and unbelievable. The ship scenes were…fine, but they made those same ships endure a lot of damage without miraculously falling apart despite the 500 years of decay.

Another negative takeaway would be the puzzles themselves. There are clues, and hints to do all these things. And when the characters figure them out, I don’t feel a big sense of pride in them because they don’t feel like well crafted riddles or hints. “Oh that is the answer? Oh okay…” that is my constant feeling.

And honestly, I don’t like that they made Banderas’ character out to be a bad guy. He did do a bad thing in the movie, within his family, but his family wanting the treasure that they were promised? I mean, not the worst motivation.  If the treasure can be traced back to a specific country the top option is return it to them, obviously, but if not, then why not their family?

None of this is coming from bitterness of not getting to see Bruce Campbell either. It is just another generic action film that is based on a video game that disappoints. This seems like a bit of a shocker since how much the games “felt like movies” at the time.

I barely played the games, so I can’t tell how accurate it is, minus the lack of guns. I can tell that it was a good bit boring, it tried to have too much set up for future films, and I did fall asleep leading up to the auction scene.

1 out of 4.

I could be wrong, but I believe it is stated in the constitution that every 2 years we need at least three werewolf movies. That can be a movie about werewolves specifically, or that feature them in anyway. Hotel Transylvania: Transformania and Werewolves Within, I believe, are our last two, so now we have The Cursed to make sure that three minimum is met. Strangely enough, this one comes from France. Did you know the French cared about werewolves? I didn’t know.

This movie used to have a different title, Eight For Silver. I don’t fully know what in the heck that even means, but it does sound mysterious, so I like the original title. It would have fit this movie nicely. So does The Cursed, sure, but The Cursed could mean a lot of different things. It isn’t necessarily werewolf specific.

On an unrelated note, werewolf means a human turning into a wolf like beast. But all the other weres don’t work the same way. Werebear is a bear wolf cross thing, not a human turning into a bear. Super weird on that.

Sweet teeth you got there. Are you a cyberpunk werewolf?

Something evil in these woods! Time to go way back. To a time before most electricity, somewhere in the late 1800’s. Where? I don’t know, somewhere in Europe. People in a village go have a battle with some traveling groups, and quite a few people die, but the village wins. This actually curses their land, and makes a lot of uncomfortable things start to happen.

What kind of things? Well, like nightmares. Extra fog too, if I had to imagine. People go missing, and people also show up dead. That is a bigger problem. People maybe have seen monsters in the woods as well. Scary stuff. Are they being hunted by some beast?

Well the slightly good news is an expert is on the way. John McBride (Boyd Holbrook) is a visiting pathologist, and he has seen similar things before. He will try to help them put an end to this madness in their territory, or you know, die with the rest of them.

Also starring Kelly Reilly, Alistair Petrie, Roxane Duran, Nigel Betts, Stuart Bowman, Simon Kunz, Tommy Rodger, and Áine Rose Daly.

I am pretty sure most werewolves hate fire and shout about it often.

When it comes to curses, this is a pretty good one to wreck a small village hundreds of years ago. And it seemed to work quick.  So it was effective. But still, that last title would have been more fun, even if the reference is more awkward.

I am doing my best to be sensitive to the Romani people, who are referred to as the Roma in here. They don’t use the slur, which is great! But also, they are the “bad guys” here who curse our white regular villagers with their magic and stuff, after they are killed. That is probably not cool. They shouldn’t have done that. It is not like the curse was done to show that our main characters are truly the bad people all along (Although that is one interpretation you could make, I don’t think that was strongly argued enough though). The Romani people have had enough going bad with them throughout history in terms of negative connotations, so we should really be leaving them alone by now, honestly.

In terms of actual scares, I do think The Cursed did a wonderful job building the atmosphere for the setting. It was very tense. It also was gross. They didn’t do traditional werewolf things, that is for sure. At parts we have strange almost alien like aspects to it. I definitely had to look away at various parts, not at all pleased with the effects that went on with some of the grosser scenes. It isn’t even a movie trying to gross the viewers out, it just definitely succeeded for me.

In terms of the plot, it is pretty standard. None of the actors stand out to me more than anyone else. This is a bit of a downer.

I think the film excels at its use of effects, atmosphere, and world building. It tells a bit of an original story in the way the curse works, but not in the plot to deal with said curse. It both gains points for some creativity, and loses it for a lack of creativity in other areas.

I don’t know if werewolf enthusiasts will enjoy this movie either, given how much it deviates from the norm. Depends on how deviant they are in general. My best advice would be to go in not really knowing what to expect, and you will likely have some surprises along the way.

2 out of 4.

I Want You Back is by far, The Jackson 5’s best song release, and I will fight you over this statement.

It can be a good name for a movie too, but in 2022, it does have a creepy vibe to it. Winning back someone’s love is really something that should be reserved for a film, and probably not practiced in real life. If someone has moved on, we need to respect that, and they don’t need to be harassed by you.

Maybe I should reconsider the song being their best, given the message and what I know now, today? (Editor’s Note: Nah, I am fine with it being in a time capsule from the 1970’s. And I don’t want ABC to be the best song anyone’s done either).

With a name like I Want You Back, will a film do very creepy things and write it off because woo movie romances, or it will accept that times are a changing and acknowledge the awkward messaging behind that line? Well, let us go and see.

This is a scene where a break up happens! 

Peter (Charlie Day) and Emma (Jenny Slate) are about to get DUMPED. They are in kind of long relationships, no engagements yet, but their partners are done. Peter’s ex girlfriend, Anne (Gina Rodriguez) acknowledges that Peter is charming and fun to be around, but she wants to have someone who is more experienced in life and is working on improvement, like the new drama teacher at her school, Logan (Manny Jacinto), whom she is going to start dating.

Emma’s ex boyfriend, Noah (Scott Eastwood), is a personal trainer, very athletic and outgoing, and is tired of Emma being at a stand still in her life. She has no direction, no drive, she is fun and funny, but she doesn’t seem to care about her future. The new person he found? Ginny (Clark Backo), has her own restaurant, meets with important people and has a big following.

So their exes have moved on, and Peter and Emma are left behind in a rut they did not see coming. They didn’t know each other, but they ended up meeting when they both went to a stair case to cry at, and hey, a friendship was born. Thanks to their similarities, they do find out about each other’s break up and hatch a plan to help win back their exes. Yep. Good idea. Emma is going to volunteer at the middle school musical rehearsals and seduce the drama teacher, so that Anne will think she made a mistake. Peter cannot do the same thing at all, so he will instead try to befriend Noah, become a client of his, and maybe convince him that his last girlfriend was clearly way better than his new one.

Nothing will go wrong, and everyone will get what they want and no creepy stuff at all, nope nope nope. Also featuring this kid, Luke David Blumm, in a weirdly more important role than anyone would have guessed.

This is a scene where a breakup happens!

The problematic nature of trying to win your ex back, I do believe, is noted in this film. At no point does a character say, “Oh wait, this is really toxic and messed up, lets stop.” No, not that. However, in the process to try and win them back, a lot of bad stuff does happen. And characters learn that what they did is bad. So for comedy sake, the things did have to occur obviously, but hey, the characters learned lessons, achieved growth in several different ways, in the process. That is a much better story than the classic win back your ex romcom of the 80s and 90s. Success!

Day and Slate are WONDERFUL together. Once I first saw the poster for this, I knew it would just work well. As far as I can tell, they haven’t worked together in the past, but they are both comedians, have played frantic characters, and have gone to the extremes. I knew their vibe and likely improv would play well together.

For the rest of the supporting cast, most of them do a great job as well. Eastwood is given the most time to really show off his own humor skills. This is only my second time seeing Jacinto in a role, and it is very different than his part in The Good Place. Both of the males of the new relationships are the focus, so the other women are given the least amount of time. Rodriguez has to play someone uncomfortable and nervous mostly, so it isn’t as strong as a role to remember as the rest, given her character is meant to not really stand out. And Backo, out of everyone, really plays the “straight” role here, for more context away from Slate, so they barely focus on her at all.

I did not expect there to be so much Little Shop of Horrors in this movie either. So that was a pleasant and welcome surprise. Hell, I cried during one of the scenes, because I love Little Shop of Horrors and because I am a basic bitch. Also one of my favorite jokes definitely came from a pun related to that show and its lyrics.

I think this movie is an example of a Rom Com that really dives into the comedy elements and goes hard for laughs, and definitely delivers. I chuckled to myself a lot, despite watching it by myself. The only part I really didn’t love is the last, 50 seconds or so. It makes sense for that scene to happen, and it is one of those that you could telegraph and guess before it happens. But still, it is a bit uncomfortable at the same time. Not enough to suddenly dislike the movie, but it is a definite eye roll.

4 out of 4.

Finally, a movie about a person on the horse. What is with those actual horse biopic films that came out every few years? A horse winning a Kentucky Derby or triple crown seems like an awkward thing to want to see more about.

I want my horse movies to be about horses who save lives. Hell, I liked War Horse. Or I want them to be good at telling jokes. That is my preference. I will also take horse movies dealing with girls who want to have a pony and finally get to have a pony after some bootstrap pulling from their rich parents.

So let’s talk about the Jockey, the guy on the horse, and how much fun he must be having.

This is the jockey part of the Jockey movie.

Jackson Silva (Clifton Collins Jr.) is a hot shot jockey. If you knew about jockeys in this movie, you would know about this guy. We aren’t getting a film about a jockey who starts jockeying and climbs the ranks, no we are starting with the greatest already. Actually, the greatest is getting a bit old. He should maybe retire. But he wants to go out on top. He thinks he can do another big championship. He thinks his reflexes haven’t deteriorated or anything. He could do it.

Ruth Wilkes (Molly Parker), his…I don’t know Jockey terms. Someone who raises championship horses for jockeys to race on? Yeah whatever that is. She doesn’t trust in him. He should retire.

Also a new person joins in his life. This younger gentlemen, Gabriel Boullait (Moises Arias), who wants to be a famous jockey but hasn’t gotten a good start in the big leagues yet. He needs a team to trust him. Also, he might be Jackson’s son? Whoops.

Which Jockey will Jockey the horse the best? Who will make it to the finals, who will be upset, and who will die trying? Maybe no one.

This is the horse part of the Jockey movie.

Jockey is a character study, and specifically a character study of a champion who doesn’t know when to retire. In a sport a lot of people don’t actively think about.

You should be here for the story, and not here for horse racing. It has been a couple days after since I watched, but I will be honest, I don’t remember if I saw a single horse race in this movie outside of the final scene. But it was also showing just our star rider, and his face and emotions during the race, and not actively him on the horse. An interesting angle. Is it done to keep the budget low? Is it to make sure no horses get injured in the movie? Is it done to just give that specific focus in their eyes as they ride and make us feel that intensity? Who knows. But if you like sports horse racing, this movie will disappoint you.

But if you like regular drama, some alcohol, a kid mystery, and someone whose star is fading, regardless of their profession, then this will be up your ally.

Unfortunately, for me, this is more of a standard indie drama type of film. I have seen things like it before, and I will see them again. I loved Collins Jr.’s acting in it. He was great. I just didn’t fully love the story and care too much about the ending by the time we got to it. I can see its praise, while also seeing why it still isn’t drawing a whole lot of buzz at the same time.

If you liked The Power of the Dog, you would probably enjoy this one as well. You know. It is that type of film.

2 out of 4.