Donkey Punch

A couple years ago, I saw a trailer for Donkey Punch and laughed. “Ha ha! Fake trailers can be great!”. No one would actually make a movie called Donkey Punch and be about what Donkey Punches are about. That’d be silly.

But then we remember the British are a rather silly group of people. When I saw the trailer, two years ago, I realized the movie was actually real, and from two years prior. Holy shit. Why?! Well, why not I think was the response. Which I can totally agree with.

Happy times
Ah, such a happy group of people. No idea the sexy bad time they will have.

Three girls are having a fun vacation out in Spain.

Lisa (Sian Breckin), Tammi (Nichola Burley), and Kim (Jaime Winstone). Party party party, they end up meeting a few guys who invite them on the boat to party more. Reluctantly, they decide to go. What could go wrong?

Sean (Robert Boulter), Marcus (Jay Taylor), Bluey (Tom Burke), and Josh (Julian Morris) are the guys.

Needless to say, drugs and alcohol happen a bit. And then some sexy time. Not everyone. But there is a lot of sex going on. Bluey is with Lisa, and notices Josh being a creeper, so gets him to film that stuff. Oh yeah, hot. Then he lets Josh have a go. Then they do anal. Then, based on a conversation earlier, and from peer pressure, Josh decides to Donkey Punch her. Accidentally breaking her neck and killing her on the spot.

Da fuq?

The rest of the movie is complete freak out mode. They have on tape a technical murder, and egging on, and a dead body. The women are freaking out, they want to go back to shore for the cops, guys not having any of it, want to dump the body. So then some more people die and maybe just maybe someone will escape the current death boat and make it out alive.

OH NO MOTOR
Improvise an escape, using your only means of escape!

What?? You don’t know what a Donkey Punch is? That is definitely an act during doggy style, where the male, generally near orgasm, will punch the woman in the back of the head. The more you know. And yes, the British made a thriller movie off of that act, not just a made up Urban Dictionary term.

This movie could have been a lot of crazy fun, unfortunately the characters ruin it. They are all dumb. The easiest solution would be for the girls to agree with the guys and then, you know, go to the cops. Bad survival instinct. The standard “Oh cells dont work out here!” problem, and other silly issues.

The movie also was super slow. You’d think it’d be full of action and freaking out, but really it lacked a lot of it. Was also a bit confusing when I assumed a guy got stabbed in the heart was dead, but nope. Survived most of the film, with a damn knife in him. Fucked up.

I think of ways to fix the film, and they need the guys to have a bit more distinct personalities and looks, so I don’t get confused at who is the puncher, who is the asshole, who is the taper, etc. And you know, just smarter characters. But maybe the drugs and alcohol made them dumb? I dunno. Don’t drink and go on boats, or else you may be donkey punched.

1 out of 4.

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