Author: Admin

The Tourist is the last of the “movies I have been avoiding unreasonably” mini theme that I just came up with. Gotta love an unplanned movie shortage!

I mean, what kind of outfit is that for boating?

Angelina Jolie is some sort of spy or agent or something. You aren’t sure. It is pretty vague beginning. Maybe she is a bad guy? But she is getting on a train, and people seem interested in what she is doing.

Typical plot line won’t do. Apparently she used to be all criminally with a lover, who owes over 700 million in back taxes. But he doesn’t want to be found, so he spends 20 million on super awesome plastic surgery. Shh. The government knows this too, so they assume Angelina Jolie will lead them to him. She is told to go on the train and find a person of “similar statue, height” and make the coppers think that that is him, so that she can meet up with him later.

So who does she pick? Johnny Depp, a math teacher on vacation (a tourist!) in Italy. He of course thinks everything is awesome. Hot woman who wants to eat with him, and lets him stay in her wtf-mazing hotel? Hot stuff. Until he wakes up the next day with 2 foreign people trying to bust in his door, and get him, because that guy also pissed off foreigners.

Turns out Jolie is also working for the man, to help bring her lover in, for her own safety.

But who is this mysterious man actually? Will Depp get something popped in his ass because of it? Is Paul Bettany really fine being in a movie where he mostly is in a “control room”?

Maybe the power of math can fix everything!

So, a weird thing happened halfway through the movie to me. I realized that I didn’t hate it yet. I also didn’t like it yet. It felt way super neutral the whole way through. I never really felt shocked by the shocking moments, but I also wasn’t mad by the disappointing shocks. I might have never felt more “2 out of 4” for a movie than this one. Seriously.

I can’t even tell if I am recommending it or not.

Watch maybe?

Hooray! A children’s movie based off a book about a little girl who is “very imaginative”! That is something that hasn’t been done before!

Her hair remains that disheveled throughout the movie. CLEARLY SHE IS TOO COOL FOR IT!

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer seems to apply some sort of new aged valley girl speak into the title and dialogue from the main character, Judy Moody, so that half of that time no one understands her. I like to imagine that at least, and everyone just responds assuming she said something else. She loves long sentences, and rhyming words in those sentences. I guess it comes with the name?

Judy Moody is played by Jordana Beatty, a natural ginger. She is possibly the only kid outside of myself at that age who actually hated summer. Because they are bummers for her. She normally has to go live with her grandmother, and old people are lame. But not this year. She has a plan. But her friends ruin that by going on better vacations, leaving her with the one lamer friend, played by Preston Bailey. Besides that, her parents are actually going somewhere “cool” (California) and leaving her with her Stinky younger brother (Parris Mosteller). And by that, I mean apparently he likes to be called Stink. Alright.

And they are being watched by their aunt who they never met, also known as Heather Graham. Heather plays her normal free spirited roll, and is a “guerrilla artist” who is bad at driving, and somehow doesn’t help Judy have a good summer.

So the movie is about how all of her plans fail, mostly because she chose to plan them and wants to stick as close as possible to her plans, regardless of what is actually going on. She is also super mean to her younger brother, who just wants to find Big Foot. I don’t see a good reason for her to actually hate him throughout the whole movie. Besides being a poster nazi child, he always seems so happy and focused. Nothings gonna stop this kid!

Not with his Blitzkrieg powers.

So I think the problem with this movie is that it only tries to capture a child audience, and give nothing to the poor parents who have to watch it with the kids. You think a whole bunch of themes will be touched, like real friendship and family, and finding out your life is actually pretty snazzy. But instead it just feels like actual kids just running around like asshats for 90 minutes.

You won’t like Judy, she is super selfish. Wants everything to go her way, and drags her friends through the mud to do so. Just wanna give her a nice punch in the face. I guess it is pretty cool that in her imagination though, she is a CGI character and not her normal self.

Ooh, a movie called The Stranger. Turns out there is a bunch of those. But what are the chances of this one being based on the Albert Camus novel? Well. Zero.

I mean, come on. That is never going to happen. Right?

Not if this man has anything to do with it.

Erica Cerra is a FBI person who is the “main character” but also not really. Because who cares about her. People are going to see this movie for Steve Austin (The Stone Cold variety). She is trying to find and detain this guy.

Why? Because he is “Dangerous”. Kind of. Or he knows something? BUT NOT REALLY.

Because he has something wrong with him. He keeps forgetting everything that has happened to him. This isn’t some disorder, I can’t remember why they said it happens. But it means he can’t remember the info they want to get out of him, that he has a family, and he keeps getting confused when the lady agent is near him, every little bit when it is convenient for the plot.

Adam Beach plays another FBI agent trying to help detain him, but he isn’t Steve Austin. Also some other people besides the FBI are trying to stop him. So that is where action comes in. Lots of shooting. Confused shooting.

Apparently torture doesn’t break Amnesia. Yet.

Are you confused about the plot? Good. Because so was I. I watched it, and I just thought it was a mess. This straight to video pile didn’t even feel action-y enough to be entertaining in that regard. Didn’t help that the cinematography was poor, and the obviously bad acting / plot (if it existed).

Only watch this if you ar- never mind. Don’t watch this.

Ah-ha! When there is no movies to watch during a weekend (cause of screw ups) I have to resort to back up plans. Unfortunately, there is only enough movies in my backup plan to last this weekend, so instead of depleting that, I am going for back up back up plan. Movies I kept avoiding for no reason. And with that, The Green Hornet!

Which I think would have been sexier as a CGI movie myself.

Seth Rogen is a spoiled playboy. His dad runs a large newspaper complex, so he never really has to work. He always wanted to do right by people, but got in trouble as a child. So he felt like his dad never cared! But then his dad dies. OH SHIT. He is in charge now of his shares? And in movies, if you control 51% of the shares or more, you can do what you want. He gets all mad and fires everyone in his house.

But finds out his coffee sucks, so he rehires the coffee guy, who also is good with cars, Kato (Jay Chou). Kato is also good at every other damn thing in the world. In case you didn’t know the Green Hornet is all Kato being a bad ass, and Green Hornet being not as cool as Kato, which the movie tries to show.

Blah blah, eventually they try to fight crime, and succeed, but are scene as criminals. Because he now runs the paper, he can have them publish stories on them and sell his image! Even if Edward James Olsmos says it is a bad idea, the oldest editor there. Also there is Cameron Diaz as criminologist secretary. David Harbour and Christoph Waltz are also in the movie, not necessarily as “bad guys” but big dicks.

Yep, just huge criminal kingpin dicks.

So this movie has everything you’d expect. Small humorous quips, badass car, Kato being a badass, eventually Green Hornet and Kato fighting and no longer being friends, Green Hornet wanting to tap Cameron Diaz, betrayal, the death of a hero, and everything. Seriously. Everything is pretty much expected.

It wasn’t the funniest movie, nor did it have the best action. Hell, even the plot was just okay. I think the reason I put off watching it is because of the drama that went into finally making it. Pretty much a decade of problems, with a lot of possibilities of much cooler movies based on the actors previously put into the project. But we got Seth Rogen, so I can’t help but be disappointed.

Overall, the movie was decent on its own, but kind of felt like it brought nothing new to the “hero genre”. Afterall, Hong Kong Phooey already brought us the “bad ass sidekick” concept in TV/Film before Green Hornet (which yes, existed way before Hong Kong Phooey. But still. That was radio and then comics). But was it bad? Not really. Just okay.

Here is a tip, if you see a movie with only 1 or 2 people tagged in it, chances are that movie is an indie movie. Gotta love those low budgets.

Roughly half of the movie is this one scene.

In the case of The Freebie, there is only two people involved really. Why? Because the movie is about a couple who have been together for awhile now. But they aren’t having sex.

Dax Shepard and Katie Aselton (probably recognize from The League) are the couple in question. They both seem to be pretty content with their relationship, but just…something is missing.

They have weekly or something dinners with other couples, who talk about relationship stuff. And during the meeting Dax gets the idea of “The Freebie”. Or at least a fear he has that he might never have sex with another woman ever again, except for his wife. Alright, my summation of it is way more shallow than how it came out, my bad. Imagine the better way of saying that with no offense to his wife.

Eventually they decide to have one night where they can do whatever (or whoever, amirite?) and let there be no problems. Just for one night, just to see. Hopefully to never talk about it again and live out their marriage. By now you might think how can a movie only be about this? Well, it is 77 minutes long. Pretty damn short. It pretty much is just about that. The build up, the night, the aftermath.

It also has tons of talking. Like. Most of the movie. Discussion. It is slow. This will easily turn off people who want more than just two people talking like “Real people”. Afterall, don’t you go to movies to escape real life. (I don’t agree with that statement. My real life just happens to be movies.)

It also may have later inspired Hall Pass. But who knows really.

But of course I ended up really liking the movie. I thought Dax and Katie did great job of being a “Real couple” with real problems that cannot be easily fixed with just a night of shenanigans. The ending in fact made me HATE Dax, who I was enjoying seeing him do a more serious role. I yelled at the laptop I watched it on during a scene, even if I was in a public place. What the hell is wrong with him?

Grr!

If I had to change one thing, it’d probably be the length. I am sure they could have added something else to make the movie longer. Just a bit.

Back by popular demand, we have more Zac Efron! I am also right now confused, because I thought he was supposed to star in the new Footloose. Now I realize why the cool kids didn’t laugh at my jokes. Shiiiiiiit.

After three High School Musicals and one Hairspray, he didn’t want to be type-casted. Huh. Too late for that?

Efron plays the title character in the movie, Charlie St. Cloud, and near the beginning his younger brother (Charlie Tahan) is killed in car accident with him behind the wheel. Well shit! Charlie is at least brought back to life thanks to an Ambulance doctor, Ray Liotta, but not his brother.

FIVE YEARS LATER.

Turns out Efron is still in the same town. Never left, despite a scholarship to Yale for sailing, or something like that. He now works at the graveyard, super angsty. Oh yeah, he sees dead people now, kind of. Plays catch with his brother every day at sunset, to get him prepped for baseball. Yeah. Sometimes he sees other people too, but that isn’t importantly. Clearly he is fucked up.

Enter Amanda Crew, someone he knew from high school, who also likes sailing. She is going to sail across the world in a race! Her dad is trying to help prep her (Donal Logue), and is worried that Efron kid will ruin it all up. Since he is creepy now anyways.

This could have been Efron, damn it.

So yeah. Stuff happens. Efron kind of gets interested in sailing again. But what if he joins her on the race? Will he lose his brother officially forever if he isn’t there to play baseball? There is also a secondary very important plot but telling you about it is just major spoilers so I wont. Was an interesting surprise, needless to say.

The movie was a lot sadder than I had guessed. I mean, the sadder moments happened at the beginning right? You’d think wrong. The camera work was surprisingly good too, for what I expected to be some cheesy teen movie or something. I liked the story, but it might have been too slow. Also, Liotta was way too creepy for his like, three scenes. Religious zealot much?

The Girl Who Played With Fire is the sequel to The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo in the Girl Who Has Long Titles, trilogy.

This one doesn’t have an American version yet, so I won’t put Swedish in the title. Heck yes!

She looks more normal in this film. Well, in this scene. Others she looks just as weird.

So this movie takes place a year after the first? I think so. Year is a relative term. Since the last movie she only a had a year left of having a guardian, but in this movie, guardian seems to still be a problem. I didn’t like it, seemed force, mostly because it seemed like Lisbeth said the same exact shit as the first movie, and it was just unnecessary. So that bugged me.

Michael Nyqvist still plays the detective dude. This time instead of focusing on rape, they are working on sex trafficking. So kind of rapey. I guess.

Talking about the plot of this seems silly. You would only watch it if you’ve seen the first movie, and unless you hated the first one, the plot summary wont convince you to watch this one. So what does this one have? Less rape, as I said. Plus more lesbian sex. Also long lost family members, set ups on crime, and some more computer hacking. But that is about it.

Personally, as just a movie, I found this one to be kind of a mess. Maybe its the transition between book and novel, or mini series and movie? But it was just hard to follow. A lot of stuff was assumed.

Like they assumed Lisbeth did the murder because of some fingerprints? A lot of weird shit happened in this movie, and most of it seemed to come not from the main sex offender plot.

This might have been a deleted scene from The Warriors?

The only reason I am giving it the “one watch and thats all you need” rating, is because acting wise they did pretty good. But me understanding the point of the movie? That was low. Wouldn’t want to watch it again. I can at least see why there would be a third movie after this, based on the ending. So that is a plus too.

2 out of 4.

Ahh! Fooled again!

When I saw the movie title A Perfect Getaway, you know what I assumed it was about? Cars. Crime. Running away from crime maybe and being awesome on a beach. Something with action and betrayal. All of that you know?

Turns out I was wrong. Perfect Getaway refers to the location (this location being someplace in Hawaii). And it is a lie. It isn’t really perfect. Because there is a couple of psychopaths apparently running around, murdering couples. What!? DID I ACCIDENTALLY WATCH A HORROR? Fuck!

My perfect getaway is nerd-free. Including myself.

Milla Jovovich and Steve Zahn are a couple. Oh yeah, start suspending your belief. They just got married, so they want to go on a vacation. Steve being a movie writer or something, and Milla just being whatever. Their goal is to hike out to a remote part of Hawaii, that you need permits to camp in, and enjoy being alone and free!

But they run into other people. Like Chris Hemsworth and Marley Shelton, two free spirited hitch hikers on the side of the road, who they don’t give a ride to. Yes, Thor plays a dirty hippie like character. They refrain from showing you his god like face at the beginning, because you need time to fully comprehend this fact.

After they run away from them, they run into Timothy Olyphant in the wilderness, who ends up saving Milla’s life. They follow him, since he is way cooler, and they find out he has a woman of his own in Kiele Sanchez. They also end up finding out that a newlywed couple was killed in a hotel where both groups had just come from a few days prior. Not only that, but they know a couple killed them, and removed their teeth and finger nails to make it so they couldn’t be identified.

Well, that’s creepy.

But who did it? Who can trust who? Or, is their an additional couple out in the wilderness, stalking them, trying to kill them all?

Or was it just Thor? He seems twisted.

So, obviously once I realized this whole movie was about an island and not car racing, I had to take a step back. Make sure I wasn’t missing anything. The questions you would wonder are answered about 3/5 of the way through, and are pretty interesting. Unfortunately, it then goes through a whole bunch of flashbacks, that really take you out of the moment. You know, since it takes you through the last few days again. So unnecessary feeling.

After the the action tends to pick up again, or at least panic does. They do a lot of interesting camera shots, that seems like they were just made for trailers, and seem weird in an actual movie to me. So, despite it being an interesting story, I think the film shot itself in the foot with the last 2/5. Which just disappoints me even further.

But hey, I could just be upset that there was only one car scene at all.

Ceremony packs a coming of age movie, with a dysfunctional wedding, and a mustache all in one. But even more importantly is the directer/writer is Max Winkler. Name sound familiar? That is because it is Henry Winkler‘s son, in his first directing role.

I wonder how he’d rate this movie?

Two thumbs up? You rate everything that way.

The movie actually stars Michael Angarano (or that guy from Sky High who I can’t stop seeing everywhere), as a children’s book writer. He is friends with Reece Thompson (Rocket Science/Daydream Nation). They are good friends, but for some reason they haven’t been close for awhile. Mike gets the idea to go on a small retreat to talk about his book, and have Reece join him (because he can drive), but turns out he has other motives.

They end up crashing a wedding, but it turns out Mike knows who is involved. They meet the bride’s brother, Jake M. Johnson (New Girl), and some red head who keeps laughing at them, Rebecca Mader (Lost). But the bride? That is Uma Thurman (you should know who that is without a movie reminder).

So his plan is to ruin the wedding, more or less, and make Uma Thurman love him again. Surely this could not go wrong. Especially since he tries to also to make it seem like a coincidence to his friend, who is also fucked up. And how could he compete with Lee Pace, who is like way better than him at everything?

Well, everything except for mustaches.

The movie does a great job of going from comedy to drama about halfway through it. I thought the chemistry between the two men were great, and they made me laugh a whole bunch. But eventually serious time takes over, and they have to discuss real problems, and real issues. I felt like the shit hit the fan on multiple occasions in the second half. The ending might not be the one you’d expect, but it definitely feels like the right ending.

Reece’s character reminded me a bit of Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, both in looks and general attitude. Seemed to be in a funk the whole time, until you know, he got out of it.

The two male leads were by far the best performances of this movie, and you can see how they change throughout and it is awesome. Uma Thurman does fine, as the highest billed, but its really not about her at all. So overall, I was pleasantly surprised at how real and awesome this movie felt.

Argh! Another sneaky “biographical” movie! Damn it!

HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

Not that I hate biographies or true stories. But still. I find it sneaky. I will admit that I wasn’t sure if they were implying all of this real, in Fair Game, because in the early 2000s I never paid attention to any news. News is for the birds. So are politics. So of course it makes sense for me to watch another political movie as well. But it ended with actual CSPAN clips of the main character, soo…yeah. You got me movie.

You got me.

Naomi Watts plays Valerie Plame. An undercover CIA operative, but the only people who know that in her real life are her husband, Joe Wilson (Sean Penn), and her parents. After a bunch of political stuff, and after Valerie has set up a mission where they will help scientists out of Iraq (you know, so they aren’t forced into building the supposed WMDs), the state of the union in 2003 happens. This causes Joe Wilson to freak out, because of one line that the president says that he believes to be a lie. Why? Because he was a diplomat in Niger, or something, and reported the exact opposite back to the white house. Oh okay.

So he writes an op-ed piece to a newspaper, trying to note the lie, and that causes the press to freak out and look to the white house with answers. The white house retaliates, saying they are right, while also noting that Joe’s wife is a CIA agent. Whoops? Not whoops. This movie says it is on purpose!

So that is what the movie is about mostly. Valerie gets released from the CIA, and shots are being taken from all sides. Through other stories that come out, people assume the couple are traitors and liars, they receive death threats, and general uneasiness, wondering if anyone is going to come and try and actually take her out.

Sean Penn does a good “I am a journalist and want the truth guys!”. Has the look down and everything.

If you just read the plot you might assume I don’t know a lot about what happened. There was a lot of smaller stories at first, and they eventually mattered. Again, political stuff is not my game. But the emotions? Oh the emotions were great. Between Penn and Watts, they both seemed so believable and honest. Also the yelling. They yelled very well. So the movie is kind of about a couple who get owned, and try to not get owned that much.

And even if I cant remember all the details, I still enjoyed it.