This year has been harder than others to truly keep up my commitment to a year in shitty film.
Now, I was disappointed in a lot of films this year. A lot of films didn’t go as good as expected, but it took me a long time before I got enough 0 out of 4’s. I had my normal end of the year squeeze. That magical sweet spot time where I have to first watch the rest of the probably great movies, make a list of potential shit movies, watching them all before I get to the award movies I missed.
And in that list we have films that I still didn’t get to, and now just won’t. For example, I am so fucking done with Sharknado, it won’t be watched again by me, so no Sharknado 5: Global Swarming. It just isn’t even fun to write about. On a similar fifth in the series note, I honestly just refuse to watch Transformers: The Last Knight. That is 2.5 hours of my life, dealing with a franchise that has not improved in several films. I need time to do hobbies as well!
Other films I didn’t get around to, that might have been bad: A Bad Moms Christmas, 47 Meters Down, Rough Night, Snatched, Amityville: The Awakening, and Sleepless.
Instead of just choosing a few of the ones that didn’t make the list, here are all the other 0 out of 4 films for the year. They should be noted! These films include Unforgettable, The Shack, My Bakery in Brooklyn, A Dog’s Purpose, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, You Get Me, and of course, Cars 3.
15) The Boss Baby
Starting off this list with probably the only thing to be on my worst of the year list, and nominated for an Oscar. The Boss Baby wasn’t even nominated for an abstract technical award, like Suicide Squad was. It was nominated for BEST animated film.
And the only reason that is true is due to the fact that they changed the voting for animated films. Now everyone in the academy can vote for things, before nominations, in the animated category. So the biggest names will get nominated, and less awesome foreign flicks.
That is the only way to describe why The Boss Baby was nominated. Because it is straight animated trash, but not the worst animated film of the year.
14) The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature
Speaking of animated trash, we have a sequel next. The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature was so bad they delayed it over a year to add character to the list!
And guess what. Just like the first film, it is full of non funny jokes, piss poor animation, even pissier poorer plot, and an ending that will leave you scratching your head. This is a good ending? One that we are supposed to show kids? The fuck, animated movie people. The. Fuck.
13) Wish Upon
Ah good, this list isn’t just animated films (although, roughly 1/3 of it is). 2017 was by in far one of the best ever years for the horror genre in recent memory. But don’t worry, not everything was a success.
Wish Upon takes the very overdone genre of “be careful what you wish for!” and turns it into a extremely tame horror film, with elements of the Final Destination franchise thrown in for lawls.
It doesn’t work. It feels stupid. And that is just because it IS stupid.
12) Fist Fight
Oh but what about the funny films? The ones that should make you laugh and be hopefully amusing enough to warrant a grin now and then on your face? Well, Fist Fight is not that that kind of movie.
I watched this movie with a blank face the entire time. It failed to elicit a single grin, a guffaw, or even mirthless chuckle.
It is about two dudes going to fight, one of them not wanting to fight, and eventually, a fight happens. Shrug emoji everyone. This is the WORST LIVE ACTION COMEDY film of 2017!
Almost to the top 10, but on a regular year, I could imagine this one actually have making it closer to the bottom. Kidnap was supposed to come out years ago, but delays in bankrupt companies made us wait.
And now that we have waited, we realize that Kidnap is a terrible thriller. It is ass. It is bad. It is The Call 2.
Halle Berry should be upset about this sort of film coming out, but I think she enjoys doing these movies. That is the only reason we would keep being at this point with her. This is the WORST THRILLER film of 2017.
10) Friend Request
Hooray, the top ten! Now we get another horror film, this one is not American made. I happened to be one of the few people in the world to enjoy the movie, Unfriended. It gave me social media scares!
Friend Request is a movie that tries to do a similar thing, but in a dumber way. We get to have angsty college students, death scenes you can barely understand due to poor lighting, and a message comparable to Walk Up not Walk Out.
I just…its so bad everyone. I can’t believe it even made it to theaters. This is the WORST HORROR film of 2017.
9) The Book of Henry
It is so hard to describe The Book of Henry. It starts off feeling like a family film, one that goes into some very dark and again, stupid, territory. I feel like stupid is the theme of this list.
This is a plot line featuring an absurdly smart individual, one that isn’t in anyway believable and is annoying throughout the film, especially after he dies. It deals with serious real topics, while shitting all over plausible things to do in these scenarios. It was frankly painful to make it through this film, that I thought would be good the first time I saw a trailer for it. Silly me.
8) Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter
There is no way you have heard about Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter, but I don’t need to make sure films are well known to be on this list. I am not some goddamn Razzies publication.
This film I saw at a film festival, which was never going to be in theaters otherwise. It is a straight to DVD film by a guy who does a lot of these sorts of films. It relies on an attractive woman lead, pretending this movie deals with serious sci-fi elements. But it is poorly made, quickly put together, and something that can easily help you nap. I guess that is a positive.
7) The Star
Oh good, the third animated film to make this list! I think the fact that The Star came out and was god awful (pun intended) is the only reason why The Shack didn’t make the list.
It is a retelling of Jesus’ birth, but from the point of view of animals, on their way to the manger, where he was born. It is a comedy film, I guess, and it is religious, of course, yet it is all around painful. It features the cringiest line in film this year, which I put in the full version of the review.
Normally superly religious movies that are really bad always make the list, but this year wasn’t a terrible year for religious movies. I mean, we got mother! Next year however…
6) Ghost in the Shell
Ghost in the Shell is the last movie I have seen from 2017 to make this list. It is one I never wanted to watch, but also one I didn’t assume would be on this list. I honestly didn’t.
I just had no interest in what amounted to a whitewashing of a really fucking famous anime. Little did I know it would be as bad as it was. One of those hard to follow plots, attempting to go to a deep place while instead floundering in its CGI robotic horse shit.
Ghost in the Shell does nothing for the viewer. It doesn’t do anything, for anyone. The WORST SCI-FI film of 2017.
5) The Only Living Boy In New York
The Only Living Boy In New York is so bad and pointless, that I didn’t review the film until months after I ended up watching it. Why months? Because it was so bad, I forgot I watched it. I accidentally saw the email inviting me to see it, remembered it, hated myself, and then wrote the review.
It was so forgettable, it almost didn’t make this list.
It stars a character who know one will like, dealing with issues that no one cares about. It is some individualized hipster dream movie. I can’t believe this one exists, either.
4) Fifty Shades Darker
Making fun of these films is almost unfair. They were not made to be good. They are a trashy product, based off a trashy product, that was based on a different set of trashy products.
Fifty Shades Darker is like the first film, but less BDSM, less plot, and more…boats. More goddamn boats.
This is the WORST ROMANCE FILM of 2017.
3) The Dark Tower
The Dark Tower was a very hard review to write, because it was one of those films that just didn’t make any goddamn sense while I watched it. Poor Stephen King, having his life’s work reduced to a CGI fantasy fest film that is only partly based on his works. Something that just feels like two hours of setting up a universe that already was set up in book form, and failing badly.
This might be a good movie for those who have read the material, who can recognize the characters, and see the reasoning behind this. But instead, we get a movie that is CGI full and plot thin. What was this about? I dunno, guns and a mirror world.
This is the WORST FANTASY film of 2017.
2) Song to Song
Just like the Fifty Shades series, I wonder why I even watch movies made by Terrence Malick. I guess part of me assumes if I watch enough of them, I might finally understand one. I might get the dialogue heavy conversations that float over the actions of sometimes related characters. I might get the whimsical dream nature of these movies.
But until then, they belong on this list, and continue to confuse and confound me. Fuck. Just, stop using these great actors in these confusing films. And who knows what is coming after Song to Song, but I am not looking forward to it, because they are bad movies that just feel like torture to me.
This is the WORST DRAMA film of 2017.
1) The Emoji Movie
I could just put a big picture of a shit emoji to explain this, and everyone would get it. I don’t want to waste any words on The Emoji Movie, which came and went like a fart in the night.
It is forgettable, it is not funny, it is a stamp on a year of bad animated movies. That is all I have to say.
The Emoji Movie is the WORST ANIMATED film of 2017.
Thanks for reading! If you disagree with part of this list, let me know. If there is something I missed, let me know (but I probably saw it and reviewed it on this very site! Check out my thoughts). Overall totals put four animated films on this list, but it could have been more. We have a few horror, some thrillers, some comedies, and some super serious drama films. At least one romance, two science fiction, and above all, a lot of crap.
And as always, I accept hate mail via the post office, email, or tweets.